Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Back in October last year I published a blog about the horror of getting ready for Summer. And by getting ready for Summer I mean, removing enough hair from my body to feel comfortable wearing shorts, a skirt or for extra torture a bathing suit.

Since 2017 is the year of “Lisa gets her sassy on” (only referred to as this by me, no-one else knows and it’s never left my head before now), I decided it was time I did something about the body hair situation in a more permanent way.

I often refer to the bikini line region on my body as the follicle party region. All other areas of my body have a light to moderate amount of hair. Nothing too over the top. And then Pow! Follicular overload.

If you’re a visual learner imagine that small triangle they use to depict pubic hair is now a full-sized caution road sign, that stretches from hip to hip, belly button and beyond.

avviso
No go zone!

So, laser hair removal. I felt that it was my only option.

Because……sensitive to wax and creams, prone to in grown hairs from shaving, scared I was going to catch my lady lips in the emjoy not so gently and the lady at the threading place looked horrified when I asked her if she did bikini lines.

“Oh hey, do you want to put some cotton in your mouth, get really close to my vajayjay and rip some hairs out?”

Obviously did not think that one through beforehand. I get her horror. I mean she would need to wear a metal mouth guard to reinforce her teeth before attempting it.

So off to the laser clinic I go.

I had rung up to make the appointment and purchase the 10 session pack they told me should be enough to notice a significant result. I laughed inside because I knew this girl was on her way to buying a new car. 10 sessions, as if!

I also decided to throw in the underarms while I was at it. Why not?

I was told to shave the areas I wanted hair removed from. I had to block out time in the calendar for this, it was a big job. It had to be done the night before so the skin was freshly hairless.

I purchased a 5 pack of disposable razors, I didn’t want to get stuck half way through with a blunt razor.  I was picturing myself, bent over, hacking away at my pubic hair with blunt, rusty nail scissors. You know the ones you find in the bottom of the junk drawer?

So the day arrives.

I arrive at the clinic and am taken into the treatment room.

It’s explained to me that they will be using a highlighter to mark the areas that are to be treated.

Easy done.

The lovely young lady confirms that I am indeed having my underarms and my bikini line done.

Yes I am.

I am told to remove my clothes, use the wipes provided for the treatment areas and just pop up onto the table.

Can do.

All done, settled myself up on the bed, quick intake of breath as my body hits the cold paper. It’s at this point that I realise how vulnerable I am. Completely naked, on a treatment bed about to have a laser pointed at my most private of private parts.

** I was also concerned that I had taken off too many items of clothing. I have been known to stop listening at,  “Please remove your clothes”, and not hearing the last bit of, “Just leave your underwear on”.  It’s an important sentence and has seen me shock a number of practitioners! 

The therapist comes back in and I can tell straight away that I’m not meant to be nude.

She does a quick, high-pitched “OH”, and then says “We normally do one area at a time, next time just leave your underwear on and we can do the underarms first.”

As she approaches me with her highlighter I see her face start to distort. Oh god, what’s wrong with me?

She is looking at my bikini line and she says, “Didn’t they tell you to shave before you came in?”

“I did shave, I’m keeping this bit”, I say.

“What, all of it?” She looks slightly horrified.

I then go into a nervous, verbal diarrhea, justification,

“Oh this is nothing you should have seen it before, I’m old school I believe we should keep some hair down hair, I once tried to wax it myself and it looked like a patchwork quilt, I’m happy with that amount, do you really think it’s too much?”

She just looks, tells me it’s my choice and starts highlighting.

Then comes my favourite question.

I’m equal parts jealous and horrified.

Jealous that she get to ask people this everyday and horrified that I have to answer.

“Sooooooo, are you doing labia to anus?”

Say what?

Yep that’s right LABIA TO ANUS!

I tell her I am probably just going to stick with the bikini line for now and I will work my way up to it. Concern then floods her face as she looks deep into my eyes to tell me,

“You might want to consider getting it done soon, once the hairs are grey they aren’t affected by the laser.”

Thanks for that you labia ageist.

I finish the treatment, labia and anus still untouched by the “laser beam” and I get dressed.

All up I was in that little room for no more than 15 minutes. 15 life changing minutes.

I walk out, smile, make small talk, book my next 67 appointments, buy a scrub, a cream and a lotion to stop ingrown hairs. I’ll be honest, I was just buying everything she recommended in the hope that she would be so happy with her sales that she would forget about my nudity and not laugh with her friends about my amount of downstairs hair.

I leave my first laser experience with the following information-

  • I thought I had left a “landing strip” type of pubic set up, turns out that’s only if you’re landing the new Airbus 380.
  • I obviously have visible grey hair on my labia, which if not removed ASAP will leave my lady parts looking like the mad professor in Back to the Future.
  • I must leave my underwear on unless asked specifically to remove it.

The positives I take from this experience are that it didn’t hurt as much as I was expecting and that I will be reasonably less hairy by next Summer.

Lisa XX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summer is coming!

Summer is on the way people.

It’s happening, the countdown is on, there is no more avoiding it;

YOU ARE GOING TO BE WEARING BATHERS SOON!

Worse than that, or better, I am heading to Hawaii at the end of the week and need to expose myself.

If like me you are completely freaked out at the thought of uncovering more flesh than a maxi skirt, skivvy combo reveals, then reading on is not going to make you feel much better. But keep reading.

As I sit here writing I am contemplating applying for some long service leave. It is going to take pretty much my full time, undivided attention to get my body ready for Summer.

I have been doing well over Winter with my exercise routine, I know I feel much stronger and a few kilos/inches have moved on. A mixture of Pilates and getting sweaty with Sam* have done their job.

*you may also know this as 28 by Sam Wood. I like to call say “I did Sam this morning” just to see who really listens to me at home. The answer is no-one.

Since I have sorted the exercise component what could possibly be bothering me I hear you ask.

Well, I’m going to throw this at you and I want you to google it.

Side Vag.

Yep, you read it correctly.

Side Vag.

Last Summer was apparently all about the side boob. You know that side view of the breast, visible with some tops with big arm holes. I’m sure they have technical names but you get the picture.

My girls could wear this big arm hole singlets and the side boob looks perky and a little bit sexy. My side boob happens when I lay down and the boob falls of the side of my chest and lands under my arm.

Same, same but different.

It is apparently also a great way to show off any side boob tattoos that you might have. Celebrities were also loving the side boob in evening gowns.

Can you do side boob and cleavage? Or is that just being pretty much topless?

Sorry, got sidetracked, back to side vag.

If anyone remembers the Olivia Newton-John, let’s get physical film clip (a personal favorite, god I loved O.N.J.) you would remember the outfits that were worn for aerobics. Those rally high cut leotards with the shiny lycra tights on underneath in a multitude of neon and pastel colors. Awesome right?

Well, brace yourselves, you know those leotards? They are now bathers and they’re skimpier than anything we thought was high cut in the 80’s and they are not wearing the tights underneath.

Oh no, because that would cover the side vag.

It’s that section of skin between the crease in the groin and where the bathers start.

So basically if you imagine a really skinny piece of material that covers the “business” and then makes its way straight up towards your belly button but then flares out at the last minute to head over your hips.

My poor husband will be having kittens when this trend hits our family camping holiday!

What happened to the bloody boy leg short?

The low cut, hipster, bikini, with a ruffle to cover any mishaps?

My question to the people who make the fashion rules is-

Is it ok for your side vag to have a fringe or a comb over?

Because even with my long service leave used up, a personal laser machine pointed at me while I sleep and a daily bath in hair removal cream, I fear I may still never be ready to reveal my side vag to the world.

The trends that are being invented by the young and hairless are discriminatory to those of us that have the pubic hair situation of an 80-year-old European man!

It is going to be ok.

I have the CFA out supervising the back burn, but now I need to start thinking about tanning.

I’m exhausted before my holiday even begins.

Get to work, Summer is coming for you.

Lisa X