My first bird is leaving the nest

I was reading back through my journal that I have been keeping since I had my children and it is entries like the one below that make me glad I have written consistently over the years.

Today has been a day for reflection.

My first born is moving out. I know as parents we joke about this day and the party we will have when it happens but in reality that’s not quite how it has felt today.

I am beyond proud and excited for her and I know she will be more than ok, but she will be more than ok without me.

I find in our busy lives we have little time for reflection.  With my journal I can reflect at any time and have a fantastic reference book of my own life’s experiences.

I look forward to being able to share these stories with my girls and then with their children. I know I would’ve loved a book filled with stories about me as I was growing up.

I fear that had I not kept this journal my memory would not have served me as well as I would have liked.  This is highlighted for me each week when I forget half of what I need at the supermarket.

09.11.2000

Today Morgan lost her first tooth.

It has been loose for about a week and I can’t believe it lasted as long as it did. 

The tooth fairy has just taken it from the fairy box she had placed it in and replaced it with two dollars. 

Two dollars seems so trivial an amount to place in the box for her tooth.

How can you put a price on the love and growing up and joy we have given and received from her since that tooth first came at the age of 3 months.

The sleepless nights as it formed in her gums, the red cheeks and constant drooling as it decided when to appear and the gorgeous grin with the dot of white when it finally came through.

How has one small piece enamel really made me think about my time mothering and about how fast this precious time is going?

It has been such a big month for Morgan (Not to mention the emotional turmoil for me).

She is into the 3rd week of her orientation program for primary school and she absolutely loves it.  Just to see my first-born going off to school like a little girl ready to face the world makes me want to wrap her in cotton wool like her tooth and put her away for safe keeping.

She is a full head taller than the other kids and she is just so smart that I am proud and sad at the same time.

I am so proud of how she handles situations and how she reacts with the other kids.  I wonder some days if I was that sure of myself at that age, then I remember how painfully shy I was and I am glad of her confidence.

 I try to be supportive of her and yet I just want to protect her forever from the world and anyone who would dare do the wrong thing by her.  If she is at all as worried as me about going she hides it well. 

She is excited by all she is learning as she should be, yet she asked me why the other kids didn’t all talk to her.  I asked her had she made the effort to talk to them and she just looked at me and said no but they should talk to me.

Paige is really going to miss her big sister when she is at school and I think Morgan will miss her too.  She feels so grown up being able to tell Paige all about school. 

I am looking forward though to having some one on one time with Paige and giving her a chance to develop her own personality with out her big sister monitoring her every move.  She is so funny at the moment and we are having some interesting outfit choices as she wants to dress herself more often.

Nana is convinced she has no nice clothes and that everything in her wardrobe is mismatched, but that is just the way she likes it.  She told her kinder teacher she likes to dress like the rainbow.  Who wouldn’t?

I never for one minute thought that being a mother could fill me with so many conflicting emotions, I am so joyously proud and in love with my girls but, like a mother in the jungle should any predator try to get near my young and hurt them, I will tear them limb from limb.

Everything I wrote in 2000 still resonates with me today.

Do yourself a massive favor and keep a journal or just note things down over the years. You will never regret having these memories to look back on.

Go and take on the world my gorgeous girl.

Lisa XX

 

Emotional reactions

I think I have “Parental Emotional Exhaustion (P.E.E.)”.

Might need to re- think the acronym……

Anyway, it’s a condition I believe I have had for a while and the last few weeks have convinced me.

I have witnessed so many milestones and received so much good news recently that I am unsure how to process it all. I respond at the correct time and share the excitement but I always feel like I need some alone time later to fully process all that I have heard.

My dilemma is…….

As a parent I am so proud of all milestones my kids reach. I’m just as proud when I hear they have nice manners and are kind as I am when they achieve the “big things”, but I’m struggling with how to react to each new announcement.

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I feel as is I’m failing to covey just how immensely proud and absolutely in awe of them I am. My heart is so full it could burst and as they are speaking to me my mind keeps recalling moments that I knew would lead here.

That look of steely determination from a 5 year old learning to master a new dance move or the magazine obsession of a 13 year old who told me she was doing research flash through my mind. These moments were the building blocks to what I see before me today and I can’t comprehend at times how blessed I am to have been a part of it.

I try to give a response that let’s the girls know I hear them, I’m proud of them and I will be there for the ride with them. But in my head I’m wondering am I making the right face, am I excited enough, should I high five them or is a hug more appropriate?

I know that running at someone and chest bumping them is not seen as congratulatory. I see all mistakes I’ve made in the past as an opportunity to learn.

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I’m self editing my emotional responses. But why?

I believe my P.E.E. (really need to workshop that) is being exacerbated by a number of other factors. These conditions are forcing me to edit my natural responses to good news and times of celebration.

I try not to cry too much. I have U.C.S. (Ugly Criers Syndrome). If this is a situation that leads to a photo opportunity I don’t want to be red and blotchy. I’m working on having that one perfect tear that falls perfectly down my cheek. #cryinggoals

If I’m having a bout of N.S.B (No Sports Bra) there will be no jumping. The possibility of causing concussion to myself or someone close is too big a risk. No-one needs to see that.

I do also suffer from V.A.U. It’s a condition when your first question upon hearing about a trip is to ask about vaccinations and underwear. It’s manageable but I don’t know if I’ll ever be cured.

I know there are times when the girls wished I’d edited my responses more and rightly so, I probably should’ve, but I will now make more of an effort to edit myself less. (That statement has just scared the life out of my family.)

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I will go with my first instinct when I hear amazing news and I will cry, scream and jump with joy more.

If you happen to see me red faced, blotchy eyed, boobs-a-swinging and talking about the “underwear to day of trip ratio” (see **), then you will know I’ve had some great news.

Lisa XX

** the underwear ratio in it’s worse case scenario mathematical form – 

U=X x (2c + 3s + 5d)

U=underwear needed for trip, X=days of trip, C=change of clothes in a day, S=change due to excessive sweating and D=spontaneous diarreah.