Embracing the whiteboard – part 3 – (“The bedroom edition” )

Hi there, I hope you’re well.

Have you been embracing the whiteboard?

Did you “drop” anyone from your team?  Have you used the “votes system” to get the team performing?

Keep using the language of football and encouraging your family with statements like pulling your weight, contributing to the team and work ethic. These words are good reminders that we all have a role to play.

This week is a special edition of embracing the whiteboard and one of my personal favourites.

We will be using the language of football to assist you and your partner in the bedroom!

I know this sounds amazing, but it really works. By implementing a few simple steps, you can use the language of the great game (that may sometimes annoy you) to your benefit.

Over the years I have heard many, many coach’s addresses to their team. I started to notice that there are a number of sayings, clichés and terms, that coaches use. When I began to document and research for this program, I realised that these terms could be applied in other situations.

There are so many double meanings and if you’re willing to be a bit silly and let your dirty mind take control for a while, it can also be quite amusing.

To the untrained eye it may appear that the team is just running around with no real direction or strategy, and on some days, it may feel like this to the coach too!

But what many people don’t realise is that there a number of “set plays” that the team must learn in order to move the ball effectively around the ground. This is often referred to as the game plan.

In this, the third session of “Embracing the Whiteboard”, I will show you how to harness the power of the “football cliché” and the “set play” to spice things up in the bedroom.

I will show you how by carefully choosing the words you use and the way you say them, your “special adult time” will become next level!

For this session, I suggest getting yourself a small whiteboard.

How to use it will be shown in the short instructional video at the end.

 You’re here, let’s get started.

Part 3a-  Football words and terms for bedroom fun!

You may have heard the use of terms in the media or when listening to a coach’s address, and not been sure what they mean. It really doesn’t matter what they mean, we are not using them for their real meaning anyway, what matters is that you can use these words to give your partner some very specific instructions that will be understood with crystal clarity.

There are many words that coaches and the football community have to describe activities that happen on the field. This session I will be listing a number of these words and terms below, but instead of telling you what they mean, I will demonstrate how I would use them.

Watch the short video at the end.

Trust me though, you will get a fair idea of just how erotic the language of football can be if you approach it with a dirty mind.

Football words that can be used in the bedroom-

composure                skills               efficiency                   rotations/rotate

“midfield tap zones”            consistency            “dead pocket”               “advantage area”

ball skills/handling             “push up to the play”                       “up the corridor”

“front and centre”                       “get involved”                     “be accountable”

“cover the exits”       “defend the ball carrier”                 “stay low in wet conditions”

“two hands to the contest”

Read them again, say them in your best sexy voice.

Yes, that’s right, footy is a sexual game.

Part 3a-  Organise some set plays

A coach will have a number of set plays that they will want their players to learn.  The “set play” is a series of movements the team will make when instructed. It is most often seen as players, organising themselves at the kick in and around the centre square when the ball is to be bounced.  There may also be set directions of play that the team needs to follow when moving the ball from one end of the ground to the other. Coaches often have code words for their set plays.

How handy would this be if you and your partner had some “set plays” and “code words” of your own?

At home, this might look like-

Kids are all occupied, one’s asleep, one’s at a friend’s house and one is playing video games with noise reducing head phones on (add or reduce scenarios depending on your number of children).

You catch your partners eye over the piles of washing needing to be folded, you take a few tentative steps towards them, only standing on 3 small pieces of Lego, and you whisper in their ear,

“you have been rotated off the bench (get your arse off that couch), get onto the ground (the bed), you have 5 mins to move up the corridor, staying front and centre, no playing behind the packs! I want you using both hands. Show me your skills and be efficient. I want results!” 

As you train and use the language more you may even have it down to a code word!  

Depending on the ages and genders of your children, your code word could be Frozen or Cars!  It gives you and your partner the opportunity to know what’s about to happen without anyone else knowing. If you ever get the chance that is!! 

Good luck and keep using the language of football as the offseason approaches. Keep practicing and using that whiteboard.

Please watch the short instructional video to see how to implement the strategies we have learnt about today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is the dress code? (For an over 40, mother of 2 adult children, who doesn’t want to look like a cat loving spinster or a 17 year old pop singer?)

Cameron Diaz and I are the same age!

Random I know but it will make sense soon.

I want you to picture her and what she wears as a 43 year old woman.

I would describe her style as casual chic.

Jeans, a white shirt or a cute dress. Some nice ballet flats or a heeled boot.

Easy right?

Disclaimer – I am not delusional; although we are the same age we look absolutely nothing alike, except maybe the blonde hair.

**Cameron on the left (just in case!)

Here is my dilemma.

As the mother of 2 daughters in their late teens/early twenties,

“What do I wear?”

I don’t want to look like mutton dressed as lamb but I don’t want to look like I’m ready for the bowls club either.

Apart from being too young for this look, I can never keep white clothes clean.

When the girls and I go shopping we sometimes find that we  like the same clothes.

But who gets precedence?

Who gets to keep the item we both like?

I’ve figured out the way it works in our house.  

They tell me it looks good on me so I buy it and then I never see it because they “borrow” it for 3 years.

They’ve been bloody playing me!

I was so happy for them to tell me I looked fashionable that I didn’t even care.

I was so desperate for compliments from the young and trendy (does anyone say trendy anymore) that I let them convince me  I looked good in clothes just so they could steal them.

To their credit they will also let me know when I look completely hideous and shouldn’t be allowed out of the house.

I recently tried on a top which I thought looked O.K. Didn’t love it but thought I’d see how it looked on.

The top sat a little weird around the bust area but put it down to the old bra I was wearing.

You know the one.  

It’s the bra you can wear when you really want to be in your pyjamas but visitors pop in at the last minute so you feel the need to have a bra and lipstick on.

It doesn’t do any heavy lifting, it just meets a social rule.

As I emerged from the change room my suspicions were confirmed with comments like,

“Oh hey,  great art smock Lisa.”

“Nice mono-boob Lisa.”

Luckily these comments were from the girls and not random strangers.

Top was taken off  and never spoken of again.

I still have the bra though! It’s just too comfortable to get rid of.

I often pray to Cameron (she has become my spiritual guide even though she is still very much alive and has no idea) for advice on choosing clothes.

Can I still show cleavage? And if so how much?

I figure a glimpse of belly button makes it too much.

My legs are good so can I just wear short skirts all the time?  How short is too short?

I do know that if hair removal is required then the skirt is too short.  Der!

Is it still ok to wear my top off the shoulder with my bra strap (good bra) showing? Or will I look like a flashdance tragic?

I can remove my bra without taking my top off. Thanks lady from Flashdance. #lifeskills

Off the shoulder is so in right now, but am I too old?

Or is the fact that I have shoulders like a male triathlete a turn off?

As seen in photo above, I’ve given it a whirl and I bloody love it. I have had pyjamas made “off the shoulder” to maximise on this flattering style.

I tried on a pair of jeans recently and I thought to myself;

“These jeans are so comfortable, I could sit for hours in them without them cutting into my waist”.

What the actual fuck!

Am I 70?

When was the last time I sat for hours?

As I looked at myself in the changeroom mirror I was equal parts shocked and surprised.

These jeans had magical powers but it was an evil form of black magic.

They had taken my arse and magically repositioned it behind my knees.

I am fully aware that I am not blessed with a Kimmy K style backside but I have enough roundness to distinguish my arse from my hamstrings and lower back.

Not in these jeans.

Comfortable denim is a trap to be avoided at all costs.

It will lull you into a false sense of security. You will imagine that this comfort makes you look relaxed and easygoing.

It doesn’t.

It makes you look arse-less and frumpy.

The stretch in the denim will change the shape of the garment within the first ten minutes of wearing it and your body shape will disappear along with it.

I once, unknowingly, made the massive error of wearing junners (jeans & runners).

When the girls saw me, thankfully according to them, before I left the house, they said “No Deal”.

Hanging a boob out and leaving the house would’ve received less of a reaction than wearing Junners.

Why are a pair of straight leg, dark denim jeans paired with some Asics not the same as a pair of 3/4 skinny jeans with a 1950’s inspired white sneaker?

Is this not technically junners?

Who makes the rules and how do I find out about them?

For now I will trust my own instincts and wear what I feel reasonably attractive in and I will be on the lookout for a sign from Cameron.

But trust me if I could, I would still be rocking the shit out of a mid drift top and a pencil skirt.

Lisa XX

For those playing along at home-

Skunners – skirt and runners   Lunners – leggings and runners

Drunners – dress and runners  Shunners – shorts and runners

 

Endings and beginnings

Today feels like the end something and it’s not the weekend.

It feels like the end of a passage of time or the end of a process.

This ending had brought with it a blue kind of day that just felt a little flat and lacking in energy.

I’m not sad, merely tuning into the ebb and flow that I am feeling around me.

What I am focussing on, is that after each ending comes a new beginning.

I am excited to see what this new beginning brings with it.

I will be aware of any changes and on the lookout for any new opportunities.

As I end this day with sleep I am grateful for the chance to reflect, the chance to be present and the opportunity to see what the future brings.

Lisa X

 

 

 

Mirror, Mirror on the wall…..

I’ve recently starting doing Pilates.

It’s in a cute little boutique studio with a lovely vibe and really encouraging instructors.

My relaxation and switching off from the world starts as soon as I walk in the door. I love the smell, the lighting and the whole vibe the place puts out. The green colour scheme is so calming and god know we all need a bit of calm in our busy lives.

I have splurged and invested in a new sports bra. One that doesn’t feel like I’m wearing a 1920’s corset. I’ve done a bit of running in the past and these boobs of mine needed to be strapped down!  It’s also a bit different getting used to wearing no shoes. I love having bare feet so I think we will get along well.

The class starts with stretching and get this, while laying down.

Any activity that allows me to lay down, encourages deep breathing and helps me stretch away the day is for me.

After 4 or 5 sessions I felt less sore and more strong. I’m not in the class to get skinny, although if it happens by accident I will be ok with it, I am in the class to feel strong. I need to build some muscle to stop my bingo wings and bum both reaching much lower levels on my body than they should.

I’m learning to find my spine’s neutral position, how to isolate my upper and lower abs. This requires me actually finding my abs. Luckily for me you don’t need to be able to see the abs to isolate them.

So as you can probably tell I’m really enjoying Pilates and feel stronger for it.

Here is my one issue.

Mirrors.

The whole wall of the studio is covered in mirrors. As someone who avoids mirrors unless absolutely necessary, it’s like torture for me.

I have this thing in my head where I can see myself doing the moves and I look bloody good. I’m graceful, fluid and elegant.

pilates-reformer-classes
This is how I look in my head!

The mirrors ruin this picture for me and I become sweaty, clunky and a bit uncoordinated.

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Reality….

I have the same issue with mirrors in nightclubs or anywhere I like to dance. Again my mind’s picture is much more flattering to me than that mirrored reality and quite frankly I like my delusional head space.

So I will keep going to Pilates despite the mirrors and I will need to muster a new level of self acceptance –

  • My boobs get in the way of some of the arm exercises
  • I have some back fat
  • My stomach is flat when I lie down or stand up really straight and no where in between
  • My legs are skinny and I sometimes look like a lolly pop

The positives, (there are always positives)-

  • I’m still smiling at the end of class
  • I haven’t fallen down the stairs when my legs are shaking after class
  • I’ve met some lovely people
  • My daughter is doing this with me (I’m also competing with her in my head and I sometimes do heavier springs just to have a little victory)

See you when I have Michelle Obama arms!

Lisa X

 

 

 

 

Not a New Year’s Resolution, but an attitude change.

I have decided this is to be the year when I do all the things that scare the absolute crap out of me. These things may not be what you would expect.

images
I will not be jumping off a cliff.

If you met me you might think I was fairly confident, outgoing and willing to give anything a go. You would be correct to a certain degree. But there is stuff going on below the surface.

I will sing karaoke, dance interpretively and tell you embarrassing stories about myself.

I will push myself physically, training for and entering events just to know I can do it. That feeling when you cross the finish line, knowing you pushed yourself past your breaking point is addicitive.

I will overshare and use the word vulva (or labia, nipple, bowle movemenet etc.) in as many sentences as possible, but it’s the things I don’t say that you should listen to the most.

I won’t say that I am terrified of not being enough. Enough Mum, wife, friend, daughter, sister. Present enough, involved enough and there enough. Have I made enough memories with my girls? If something was to happen to me, do the people I love know I loved them? When is it enough?

I won’t tell you that I feel guilty when I know I need to take a break from being all those things, to take time for me, to continue to develop into the truest version of myself. If I was to go away for 5 days on a relaxation/meditation trip, I would spend the first 2 days reconciling the trip in my own head before I could relax. Why do I have the constant need to justify time on my own?

I won’t ask for help when I should at times. This based on fear and not wanting you to know that I am not coping.  I have ironed at midnight, baked a cake at 5 in the morning and used more make-up than a professional drag queen to keep the image of “I’m all good” alive and well.

So my goals for 2016 are not all based around diet, exercise and work/life balance, although the pursuit for rock hard abs and buns of steel will continue.

My goals will be based around self-reflection and learning to show others that it’s ok for me to be vunerable.

I, like many of you have had this thought that being vunerable is akin to admitting weakness. This is so wrong.

To be vunerable is to allow others to see that sometimes we are not as strong as we would like to be and we need some help. To allow others to see below the surface and to truly see who we are when the facade is gone, takes bravery.

I will practice asking for help from others.

I will be more open about how things make me feel. Not hiding behind a smile and the ever present “I’m Fine”.

I won’t be a martyr, doing/ attending/ agreeing with things that I really don’t want to, out of a sense of obligation.

Just so we are clear, for the year ahead, I will continue to dance and sing, not filter what comes out of my mouth (most of the time), but I will allow myself to be vunerable, drop the mask and ask for help when I need it. I will be kind to myself and have guilt free time out.

Sounds perfect………..images-1