Embracing the whiteboard – part 3 – (“The bedroom edition” )

Hi there, I hope you’re well.

Have you been embracing the whiteboard?

Did you “drop” anyone from your team?  Have you used the “votes system” to get the team performing?

Keep using the language of football and encouraging your family with statements like pulling your weight, contributing to the team and work ethic. These words are good reminders that we all have a role to play.

This week is a special edition of embracing the whiteboard and one of my personal favourites.

We will be using the language of football to assist you and your partner in the bedroom!

I know this sounds amazing, but it really works. By implementing a few simple steps, you can use the language of the great game (that may sometimes annoy you) to your benefit.

Over the years I have heard many, many coach’s addresses to their team. I started to notice that there are a number of sayings, clichés and terms, that coaches use. When I began to document and research for this program, I realised that these terms could be applied in other situations.

There are so many double meanings and if you’re willing to be a bit silly and let your dirty mind take control for a while, it can also be quite amusing.

To the untrained eye it may appear that the team is just running around with no real direction or strategy, and on some days, it may feel like this to the coach too!

But what many people don’t realise is that there a number of “set plays” that the team must learn in order to move the ball effectively around the ground. This is often referred to as the game plan.

In this, the third session of “Embracing the Whiteboard”, I will show you how to harness the power of the “football cliché” and the “set play” to spice things up in the bedroom.

I will show you how by carefully choosing the words you use and the way you say them, your “special adult time” will become next level!

For this session, I suggest getting yourself a small whiteboard.

How to use it will be shown in the short instructional video at the end.

 You’re here, let’s get started.

Part 3a-  Football words and terms for bedroom fun!

You may have heard the use of terms in the media or when listening to a coach’s address, and not been sure what they mean. It really doesn’t matter what they mean, we are not using them for their real meaning anyway, what matters is that you can use these words to give your partner some very specific instructions that will be understood with crystal clarity.

There are many words that coaches and the football community have to describe activities that happen on the field. This session I will be listing a number of these words and terms below, but instead of telling you what they mean, I will demonstrate how I would use them.

Watch the short video at the end.

Trust me though, you will get a fair idea of just how erotic the language of football can be if you approach it with a dirty mind.

Football words that can be used in the bedroom-

composure                skills               efficiency                   rotations/rotate

“midfield tap zones”            consistency            “dead pocket”               “advantage area”

ball skills/handling             “push up to the play”                       “up the corridor”

“front and centre”                       “get involved”                     “be accountable”

“cover the exits”       “defend the ball carrier”                 “stay low in wet conditions”

“two hands to the contest”

Read them again, say them in your best sexy voice.

Yes, that’s right, footy is a sexual game.

Part 3a-  Organise some set plays

A coach will have a number of set plays that they will want their players to learn.  The “set play” is a series of movements the team will make when instructed. It is most often seen as players, organising themselves at the kick in and around the centre square when the ball is to be bounced.  There may also be set directions of play that the team needs to follow when moving the ball from one end of the ground to the other. Coaches often have code words for their set plays.

How handy would this be if you and your partner had some “set plays” and “code words” of your own?

At home, this might look like-

Kids are all occupied, one’s asleep, one’s at a friend’s house and one is playing video games with noise reducing head phones on (add or reduce scenarios depending on your number of children).

You catch your partners eye over the piles of washing needing to be folded, you take a few tentative steps towards them, only standing on 3 small pieces of Lego, and you whisper in their ear,

“you have been rotated off the bench (get your arse off that couch), get onto the ground (the bed), you have 5 mins to move up the corridor, staying front and centre, no playing behind the packs! I want you using both hands. Show me your skills and be efficient. I want results!” 

As you train and use the language more you may even have it down to a code word!  

Depending on the ages and genders of your children, your code word could be Frozen or Cars!  It gives you and your partner the opportunity to know what’s about to happen without anyone else knowing. If you ever get the chance that is!! 

Good luck and keep using the language of football as the offseason approaches. Keep practicing and using that whiteboard.

Please watch the short instructional video to see how to implement the strategies we have learnt about today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My first bird is leaving the nest

I was reading back through my journal that I have been keeping since I had my children and it is entries like the one below that make me glad I have written consistently over the years.

Today has been a day for reflection.

My first born is moving out. I know as parents we joke about this day and the party we will have when it happens but in reality that’s not quite how it has felt today.

I am beyond proud and excited for her and I know she will be more than ok, but she will be more than ok without me.

I find in our busy lives we have little time for reflection.  With my journal I can reflect at any time and have a fantastic reference book of my own life’s experiences.

I look forward to being able to share these stories with my girls and then with their children. I know I would’ve loved a book filled with stories about me as I was growing up.

I fear that had I not kept this journal my memory would not have served me as well as I would have liked.  This is highlighted for me each week when I forget half of what I need at the supermarket.

09.11.2000

Today Morgan lost her first tooth.

It has been loose for about a week and I can’t believe it lasted as long as it did. 

The tooth fairy has just taken it from the fairy box she had placed it in and replaced it with two dollars. 

Two dollars seems so trivial an amount to place in the box for her tooth.

How can you put a price on the love and growing up and joy we have given and received from her since that tooth first came at the age of 3 months.

The sleepless nights as it formed in her gums, the red cheeks and constant drooling as it decided when to appear and the gorgeous grin with the dot of white when it finally came through.

How has one small piece enamel really made me think about my time mothering and about how fast this precious time is going?

It has been such a big month for Morgan (Not to mention the emotional turmoil for me).

She is into the 3rd week of her orientation program for primary school and she absolutely loves it.  Just to see my first-born going off to school like a little girl ready to face the world makes me want to wrap her in cotton wool like her tooth and put her away for safe keeping.

She is a full head taller than the other kids and she is just so smart that I am proud and sad at the same time.

I am so proud of how she handles situations and how she reacts with the other kids.  I wonder some days if I was that sure of myself at that age, then I remember how painfully shy I was and I am glad of her confidence.

 I try to be supportive of her and yet I just want to protect her forever from the world and anyone who would dare do the wrong thing by her.  If she is at all as worried as me about going she hides it well. 

She is excited by all she is learning as she should be, yet she asked me why the other kids didn’t all talk to her.  I asked her had she made the effort to talk to them and she just looked at me and said no but they should talk to me.

Paige is really going to miss her big sister when she is at school and I think Morgan will miss her too.  She feels so grown up being able to tell Paige all about school. 

I am looking forward though to having some one on one time with Paige and giving her a chance to develop her own personality with out her big sister monitoring her every move.  She is so funny at the moment and we are having some interesting outfit choices as she wants to dress herself more often.

Nana is convinced she has no nice clothes and that everything in her wardrobe is mismatched, but that is just the way she likes it.  She told her kinder teacher she likes to dress like the rainbow.  Who wouldn’t?

I never for one minute thought that being a mother could fill me with so many conflicting emotions, I am so joyously proud and in love with my girls but, like a mother in the jungle should any predator try to get near my young and hurt them, I will tear them limb from limb.

Everything I wrote in 2000 still resonates with me today.

Do yourself a massive favor and keep a journal or just note things down over the years. You will never regret having these memories to look back on.

Go and take on the world my gorgeous girl.

Lisa XX

 

The value of not being busy.

I was lucky enough last week to travel overseas with my husband while he worked.

My daily routine played out like that of a biggest loser contestant.

I woke, ate breakfast, worked out, showered, rested, ate, swam, had a nap then let the afternoon stretch out to dinner.

Of course the contestants on the show probably don’t pepper their day with G&T’s or restaurant food, but you get the idea.

My routine was deliciously devoid of responsibility, thinking about others and being haunted from day break by that question……”What’s for dinner?”

I don’t know about you but that question has me close to losing mind every time it’s asked. How the hell do I know? It’s 7am, eat your frigging toast and be quiet. OK…. and breathe.

I must admit that it took me the first 2 days to lose the guilt.

The guilt of the busy.

The guilt of not filling every moment of the day doing things predominately for other people.

The guilt of associating relaxing and re-energising with being lazy.

Reminding myself that it was ok to sit and breath. Letting the thoughts just pass on by and not having to focus on one in particular.

To blink and realise that you just spent 10 minutes staring at a flower and you have no recollection of the time or thoughts that passed through your mind.

Have you ever had to ask yourself the question, “What do I like to do?”

It was equal parts liberating and terrifying. I caught myself narrating my actions and  judging myself on the usefulness and productivity level of what I was choosing to do.

The key to me relaxing I have discovered is to shut sown the negative mental voice. That voice that judges, makes you doubt and tells you that what you’re doing isn’t good enough.

Take that voice and tell it to shut the f*&k up!

Once that voice was drowned out with positive affirmations, mediation chants and gratitude my holiday improved dramatically.

By positive affirmations I mean-

“Yes Lisa have that beer while you sit near the pool. It’s really hot and you will sweat it out anyway.”

“You deserve another massage”.

“You will never see these people again so don’t worry about the strays on your bikini line.”

My mediation chant ran along the lines of-

“I am a calm and spiritual being. I am relaxed and content.”

This chant was closely followed by,

“A mango daiquiri is 80% fruit, fruit is good for you, you are healthy.”

Gratitude became easier as I sat near the pool, sipping my beverage of choice-

“I am grateful that those noisy kids are not mine.”

“I am grateful for the time I have alone to order my thoughts, breath deeply and reflect.”

“I am grateful for the secret lining in my bathers that keeps all my lady business in position and looking sleek.”

By about 3pm in the afternoon a gorgeous man would join me at the pool and buy me a drink. He was lovely. We would talk, laugh and share details of our day. He asked me every night to have dinner with him. I accepted of course.

How lucky was I? Time to ponder life, a daily workout and the attention of a gorgeous man. Life is good.

 

I am back at work now, back to reality but my holiday has done me wonders. I am more aware of where I am spending my energy. Choices will be made that won’t make everyone happy but they will be right for me.

The negative internal dialogue is still being shut down and over ridden with kind, positive and encouraging thoughts.

The one thing that still manages to make me flip my shit is the dinner question at breakfast! But I’m working on it.

Lisa X

New traditions

Today is my wonderful husbands birthday. We have now celebrated 24 of his birthdays together. The morning was a little different to the 23 preceding it and we have both avoided talking about why.

Presents were bought and wrapped, cards written on, a special one from the dog because they are obsessed with each other. The clever dog signed it lots of licks and fights, which sounds kind of kinky. It was written in hand writing very similar to my own. I have to say this card got the most attention. Must have been the cute picture on the front that the narcissistic dog chose.

Coffee in bed was delivered while presents were unwrapped. All standard birthday practices. The watch he had hinted for was of course in the box, purchased at 4.45pm on the afternoon before. Eighteen reminders had been ignored as they beeped from my phone over the 2 weeks leading up to the day.

So far all is going along as it should on the birthday morning.

This is where things change.

Eldest child was home and had a window of about 10 mins to wish her Dad a happy birthday before rushing to get ready and leaving for work.

Youngest child was not home. Stayed over at her boyfriends place because it was the last chance they had to see each other before the exams kick in. Ah, young love. I had sent a reminder text about Dad’s birthday and she assured me she was onto it.

Now don’t get me wrong here, neither of the girl’s has done anything wrong, all they are doing is becoming the independent young women we have been raising for the last few years. They are making a life for themselves and we couldn’t be prouder.

I think the topic we have avoided talking about is, what is going to happen in a few more years when it is just us on the morning of these celebrations?

We have developed these family traditions, the singing loudly, everyone in our bed for presents and telling their favourite memory of the special person. It’s actually one of my favourite parts of the day. Forcing your children to tell nice stories about you and selling it as a memory and communication exercise. Gold!

We now need to develop traditions for just the two of us.

Screen Shot 2015-11-18 at 10.01.51 pm
(Photo credit: Expose Photography)

This was something I had never even thought about and I’ve thought about a lot of things. Well maybe thought isn’t the right word, I have over analysed, under the guise of being pro active about the changes that would be happening in our relationship as the kids became more independent. But these simple yet important traditions we have as a family escaped my attention. I never pictured a birthday, Mother’s day or Christmas where we would wake up to it being the two of us and no extras in the house.

So now the rebuilding phase starts. We will start to consider options for things we would like to keep the same or might like to change for these occasions. I personally will keep singing loudly, expecting coffee in bed and Scott will be forced to keep delivering his favourite “Lisa moments”.

I’m also looking forward to the new traditions we will develop as a couple and the new experiences we can have with our grown up children. I have some very clear mind pictures of beautiful lunches in amazing locations, all of us chatting and heads thrown back with laughter as we hold our champagne glasses. We are all wearing white and it looks like we are at a Summer house in the Hamptons. I may have watched one too many Diane Keaton movies. Day dreams do not have to be realistic.

So as we roll into Christmas I make a pledge to move forward, embrace the new and to honour each new tradition as it develops.

Lisa xx

A Letter to my 22-year-old self…..

Dear Lisa,

As you bundle your gorgeous newborn into the car for the nerve-wracking journey home you are excited, petrified and really hoping that Scott knows more about babies than you. You are sore but feel stronger than you have in your life. It just dawned on you that your body is capable of so much more than you ever gave it credit for. You just produced a human!

Morgan will be the perfect first baby. She is happy, content and the light of your lives. She will be lulling you into a false sense of security and will make you believe that all babies are this easy……It’s just as frightening the second time round but you have some experience under your belt. More experience with quiet babies that sleep! The universe has sent you Paige and you will be forever grateful that it did. You will also curse the universe for the lack of sleep.

Screen Shot 2015-11-18 at 9.51.47 pm
22 years old, first baby and matching vests!

Your decision to “just wing it” and not read too many books or listen to too much advice from others will serve you well. You will develop a strong sense of who you are as a mother. You will look to your babies for guidance and you will make mistakes, lots of mistakes. Don’t be too hard on yourself though, this is where the learning and the growing happens.

You will find your way through the minefield of post-natal depression. Your mum is your rock and she will be the one to help you on the road to recovery. This will be one of your biggest challenges and will change you. You will keep a journal and you will tell yourself to “let them love you”. Take that advice, the walls will come down and the darkness will turn to light once more. You will slow down and allow yourself the time to breathe. You will learn more about yourself from this experience than you thought possible. It will alter your perspective and approach to life, for the better.

Although you will not always agree on how things are done, you will be glad you stalked Scott and he is the father of your children. He is the sensible one. He will back your slightly off kilter decisions, he will give the birds and bees talk when you get the giggles and he will buy many sanitary products without batting an eyelid. He will be the man your girls look up to and he sets the bar so high for all men that enter their lives. He will show them every day how real men treat women. You two will have some ups and downs but will get through them fairly unscathed. Scott still makes you laugh more than anyone else, and he knows you are slightly twisted but loves you anyway. He is a keeper and you will keep him.

Trust your instincts. Move schools, say no, say yes, let them eat soup for breakfast and cereal for dinner. Paige’s dress sense will delight and frustrate you and you will wish Morgan did not out adult you at times. You will not like all their friends but allow them the experience of finding out for themselves.

There will be teenage angst and tantrums. You will out bitch them and tell them off through dance. They will never know what is coming next but they’ll always know it will come from the heart. They will ban you from using the words vagina, bowel and nipples. You’ll know why! Diagrams will be drawn to describe what words can’t when it comes to the female anatomy. Your girls will equal parts delighted and disturbed at your ability to make any subject dinner table conversation.

The greatest gift you are giving your girls is the confidence to be themselves. They will be strong, independent young women before you know it and you will wonder where they came from. At 42 you are comfortable in your own skin but it has taken work.

As you stand on the peak of a mountain called parenting, dig in your flag and know you did good.

Paige bought her first car. She is ecstatic. The car is cute, cheeky and reliable, just like her. She has worked hard to save and she is going to relish having her independence. You are happy/sad. Happy that she is achieving these goals and just a bit sad that soon the car conversations will not be as frequent. No more trapping her in the car and getting information and gossip. She is a joy to be around and one of the nicest people you know.

Morgan is on her way to Europe on a scholarship tour and then onto a group tour of Europe. She will be gone for 3 weeks and she is nervous. You will be strong for her, even though you just want to keep her close always. She is about to embark on the most exciting time of her life and you are so proud of her that you could burst. She is an amazing young woman and you would want to be her friend if she wasn’t your child.

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We made it!!

It is now your time Lisa. Time to be who you want to be. Age brings with it the wonderful gift of not giving a shit. Embrace this now and go forward. Book trips, take walks, sing and dance, laugh loudly and cry when the moment moves you. Be kind but don’t be a pushover. Accept that your boobs are not as perky and your skin more wrinkled, but your body is strong, has carried you over some rough terrain and on some fantastic adventures.

Enjoy being in a couple again and take time out for romance. This takes on many forms, don’t rely on flowers or chocolate. Recognise it in the form of a cup of tea made just the way you like it, the ironing being done and a full tank of petrol when it’s raining.

You have had quite a ride so far and it’s only getting better.

I am proud of you and all you have learnt over the years. Be kind to yourself and true to your soul. On a slightly vain note, you are still looking ok and everything is still working.

Lisa XX

 

I am real, the genuine article.

The Genuine Article: a person or thing considered to be an authentic and excellent example of their kind.

There is nothing about me that is fake. Trust me, as much as I wish my boobs and nose were, they are not.

As with most women I know, I have a love/hate relationship with my body, depending on the day and the time of the month.I have bad hair, skin and fashion days. All of which my daughters are happy to point out for me. These are the days I run in the shadows, wearing a lot of black, and there are days I think I look the goods and I strut that shit.

I don’t have what I would consider an exercise regime. I sign up for one big event a year (this year it’s the marathon!) so I stay motivated to keep going. Running 42kms will be a huge challenge but I won’t go down without  fight. I am currently on the lookout for a NASA designed bra that will strap my ample bosom down for the race, if you know of one let me know, but I consider myself lucky to have a fully functioning body that allows me to have amazing experiences.

I’m the co parent of 2 beautiful young ladies aged 19 and 17. I still don’t feel responsible enough to be a fully fledged mother and I’m always waiting for someone to figure out I’m winging it most of the time. I often speak before thinking and my filter hasn’t fully developed.     If asked a question I give detailed answers and feel it necessary at times to draw diagrams. I can label the entire vaginal area and it pleases me to see their discomfort when I find it necessary to add pubic hair. I do always add that it is not to scale so as not to scare them too much.

My husband has the patience of a saint. He knows that if I die first I will haunt him. He knows I have the sense of humour of a 15 year old boy, I find farts hilarious, yet he loves me anyway. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know and he is the most amazing father to our girls.

If you’d like to take a look behind the scenes into the life of a no where near perfect mother, a less than step-ford wife and a woman making the most of what of she’s got, then keep reading.

Lisa X