The Triple Threat

The term “Triple Threat” is one that you would normally hear in entertainment circles.

To be a triple threat is to excel at the three main performance areas.

You can sing, dance and act/present!

This is rare and hence why being a triple threat is so impressive.

Well people, I’m here to let you know that today I became a triple threat!

o-LIZA-MINNELLI-CABARET
Just casually being a “Triple Threat”

I can not sing, I can dance drunk and I can act like a clown, but these are not the areas that my skills have been recognised.

Today I learnt that by making a life choice and not really trying, can qualify you as something really special in some industries.

I was told by a complete stranger how incredibly special I was and I didn’t even try.

She didn’t even use the words triple threat, or special, but I could tell from her body and face language.

You know that face where someone is completely overcome with disbelief that they just can’t hide the shock on their face?

That face where their head tilts to the side and they make a kind of scrunched up face. It may look like confusion or pity, but I prefer to think of it as someone being in awe. In awe of what they have just witnessed.

I would just like to clear one thing up as I build the drama here……. today’s event did not include any accidental nudity. If you’ve read previous posts you will know by now that sometimes I don’t fully understand directions and I end up taking off too many clothes. This is more likely to happen at a doctor or laser hair removal clinic, but osteos and physios are not safe either.

By now you are just dying to know where was I when my triple threat talent was discovered!

Back story…………(this information will add context)

About 10 years ago I had laser eye surgery. I wore glasses for distance. I was told at the time that there was the possibility that within 10 -12 years my eye sight may decline and I could need glasses again.

Well doesn’t time fly? It’s been just over 10 years and my eyes were getting a bit irritated and I had a few headaches. I tried some eye drops but they were not working. I had put the changes in vision down to too much screen time and looking at my smaller phone screen more on the train.

Well, no. They were not the reasons. Of course, they can help to make the symptoms worse but they were not causing the issue.

As I sat opposite the optometrist and we discussed my eye sight history, she said;

“I will have a look and see what is happening but unless you’ve had laser eye surgery, are on hormone tablets or are peri-menopausal, then I don’t think there will be an issue.”

Hold up, what?

I have, I am and I am!

I am the laser eyed, hormone controlled, menopausal patient you have been dreaming of!

I am your optometry triple threat.

This is the part where her face was overcome with the shadow of disbelief.

I’m pretty sure she is telling her co-workers about me right now. I am like the urban myth that optometrists will be talking about at their conferences. They will all be wearing novelty glasses, coloured cat-eye contact lenses and chatting about the triple threat.

She even asked for clarification of the hormone tablet I was on just to know I was legit. She didn’t want to make the big announcement in the staffroom and then find out I wasn’t real.

My appointment then continued to find that my right eye is lazy, I bloody knew it, she’s always letting the team down, my left eye is over compensating (now it’s sounding like a bad marriage) and I am lacking moisture in my eyes.

Thanks to those blasted hormones there are a few places on my body that are lacking moisture………

I am now awaiting my 2 pairs for $199 glasses that Alex Perry has so graciously designed for me. I will wear them up on head in thanks.

In case you hadn’t noticed, I am putting a really positive spin on the gradual advancement of the aging process.

I had also had a physio appointment this morning (stayed clothed) and was told that the niggling shoulder pain I’ve been experiencing is most likely due to the gradual rounding of my shoulders. I need to work on my posture and my shoulder placement. I now have to actively concentrate on how my shoulders are positioned. It’s too much.

My body is rounding, hunching, my shoulders are forgetting where to sit, I’m lacking moisture (it hits multiple areas, you’ve been warned), grey hairs are here to stay as they are immune to the powerful laser beam and my hormones are unstable.  Aren’t I a treat?

No! I’m a triple threat and don’t you forget it.

triple threat picture
Off out to lunch with the girls

But I figure, fuck it. I will take my hunching hormonal self to Pilates, I will laugh with my friends, I will dance when and where I feel like it, I will enjoy special moments with family and I will purchase every synthetic lubricant known to woman.

Live your best life.

Lisa XX

 

 

Liza – http://doloresdelargotowers.blogspot.com/2014/03/with-z.html

Old lady -http://bandaidsblog.blogspot.com/2009_11_22_archive.html

 

 

 

 

Embrace the splash!

There a four toilet cubicles near my office.

Four cubicles yes, but not four cubicles that I can actually use.

In the last eight weeks, at least one or two of the toilets has been out-of-order at all times.

It’s really annoying, but I put it down to working in an old building.

NO!

This is not the reason, well not the only reason.

This toilet break down, out-of-order phenomenon is not happening in the men’s toilets, and their pipes are as old as ours.

I have figured out the cause and it needs to be discussed.

Nesting!

Yep, you heard right.

The act, that pertains mainly to women, of padding the toilet bowl with copious amounts of toilet paper.

Why?

To eliminate any noise, any splash, any indication that something other than a wee is taking place.

God forbid we should need to poo, and strike us down if it should be at work.

Why ladies, why?

Your obsession with nesting and pretending that you don’t shit, is causing a major disruption in my office and ultimately a major disruption in my day.

Just let it go, bombs away, snap one off, lay cable, drop the kids off. Call it whatever you want, but just do it.

I spoke to a “friend” (yes it was me, but let’s go with friend) who was once involved in a 20 min stand-off with a lady in another cubicle. They both knew what the other was there for, but neither was going to give in, end it early and try again later. I’m proud of my “friend” and her staying power! That feeling of victory when you hear the other toilet flush is worth the wait.

** I am actually unable to nest or pad the toilet, due to growing up in a household where we were on rations when it came to toilet paper. I am still scared that my mum will appear if she hears me wasting that much toilet paper.

We need to empower ourselves and each other to take a crap without hesitation. Lose the fear of the cubicle.

Workplaces need to provide spray, ambient music should be playing and if they are really evolved, some of that smell eliminating spray. You know the one you spray in the water before you go?

This spray will not be of any use if you have what is commonly referred to as a “Whoopsy poo”.  You confidently walk in for a little twinkle, sit down, tear off your 3-4 squares and before you can clench or nest, you’ve made a bigger splash than an Olympic diver. Whoopsy!

You must now sit and listen to footsteps, toilet flushing and door openings to be able to tell when everyone that heard the splash has now left the bathroom.

There’s always that one person though who takes ages washing their hands, or carries dental floss in their pocket and decides to floss a molar or two, and they see you.

In the past you would’ve looked down at the ground, not making eye contact.

You would’ve grabbed your stomach or tried to look in pain.

Well not anymore!

From this day forward I want all women to unite, to stand tall and EMBRACE THE SPLASH!

Walk out with your head held high, make eye contact, a cheeky wink or nod lets her know you’re OK with what just went down. Literally!

If you’re having a particularly confident day, you might want to add;

“Phew, that feels better”.  *add a double thumbs up for effect

“More room for cake”.  *pat your tummy happily to emphasise your point

or a favourite of the men in my family;

“I don’t remember eating that!”     *using your thumb to point back over your shoulder towards the cubicle.

Have a bit of fun with it and enjoy people’s reactions.

The toilets at work are all in action as of 11 am today and I hope it stays that way.

Keep up your fibre intake and have a great day.

Lisa XX

Xmas stocking fillers (literally)

Well people, December is upon us again.

We can read a calendar, we know what comes after November, and yet it still seems to sneak up on as and wreak havoc.

I’ve expanded my Christmas shopping tools this year, partly to embrace online technology, but mostly to avoid shops, people and Christmas craziness.

I find myself buying some items off the ads that are more increasingly being added to my Instagram feed.  I have had a mix of hits and misses, but am happy to report that the hits are winning at the moment.

One of the things I have had from these ads is a massive shock, like massive!

A product has been making its way onto my Insta feed a little too much.  I am really concerned that if the ads are linked to our online presence or searches (don’t really understand it) then what does the internet world think I’m into?

Let me set the scene….

I am sitting on my couch, post Pilates, nursing an ice-cold water or G&T depending on the day. I decide to have an Instagram session, see what my online besties (people who have no idea who I am) are up to.

** Note – I was scrolling last week when I had jet lag and I went deep. You know that scrolling session where it takes you 18 back arrows to get home? Well let’s just say that I am now following Patti Newton, I know all of her grandkids names and I may have liked a pic from May 2014. Take care out there. **

So, I’ve just returned to my newsfeed when bam! THE AD appears.

I nearly scroll past but something catches my eye.

Can this be real? Is what I’m reading actually real?

I go back and re-read, I flick through the numerous pictures and it’s confirmed.

THE AD wants me to purchase a pair of undies that can hold up to 2 tampons worth of liquid.

Sorry, what? 2 tampons worth of liquid! That liquid is blood.

Yep, you heard me. Period undies!!

Someone out there wants me to walk around the streets, going about my daily life, all the while “free bleeding” into my undies.

NO! Just NO!

From someone who grew up wearing a mattress thick pad for the first 2 years of having a period, I cannot compute this item.

I spent all of my high school years, at period time, asking my girlfriends at the end of every class,

“Can you check?”

They knew exactly what I meant and lots of you reading will too. Getting your friends to check the back of your school dress in case of any leakage, which in itself was so unlikely given the 3-inch thickness of the pad you changed every hour………because paranoia.

Not to mention the fact that you would’ve needed to go home from school, with your jumper tied around your waist (a dead giveaway) and depending on the damage you might’ve need to change schools.

How can I now be expected to bleed freely into a set of bloomers?

**Bloomers was the 80’s/90’s term for a pair of thicker black undies, that you wore over your undies, under your school dress or netball skirt, so that no-one saw your undies. No allowing the vag to breath in the 80’s! **

I would be asking strangers on the train, the tram, at work, while shopping to “check me”! I would not be able to function in society anymore.

When discussing this item and my shock with my daughter she sends me a picture of the ad for the period bathers!

Are these people just taking the absolute piss now?

Am I the only one who saw Jaws? I am not willing to take the risk of being shark bait just to be on trend or save a tree or two.

I will continue to do what Dolly Doctor told me to do in 1988 and I will securely wedge the tampon string between my bum cheeks when wearing bathers. She hasn’t let me down yet, bless the Doctor.

Is this an environmental issue? Is there a cotton shortage?

I have Scott (husband) out in the back yard as we speak, digging a garden bed. He thinks we are planting some salad veggies, but I am going to be growing my own cotton. I have joined Pinterest and I’m sure there will be a DIY tampon making tutorial on there somewhere.

I will be rolling and stockpiling my home-made tampons. I’m basically the doomsday prepper of periods!

I will not be at the mercy of the free bleeding revolutionaries.

All being said and done I am fully supportive of a person’s right to choose. Do what’s right for you, and please if anyone tries these undies you must let me know. I will supply the wine and you can supply the details.

Have a happy and safe festive season and enjoy lots of laughter with loved ones.

Lisa X

Below is the link for the ad for anyone wanting a look.

https://www.shethinx.com/collections/period-panties/?utm_term=bing_261782111_1137994568852081_71124705248039_kwd-71124764647037:loc-9_c

Embracing the whiteboard – part 3 – (“The bedroom edition” )

Hi there, I hope you’re well.

Have you been embracing the whiteboard?

Did you “drop” anyone from your team?  Have you used the “votes system” to get the team performing?

Keep using the language of football and encouraging your family with statements like pulling your weight, contributing to the team and work ethic. These words are good reminders that we all have a role to play.

This week is a special edition of embracing the whiteboard and one of my personal favourites.

We will be using the language of football to assist you and your partner in the bedroom!

I know this sounds amazing, but it really works. By implementing a few simple steps, you can use the language of the great game (that may sometimes annoy you) to your benefit.

Over the years I have heard many, many coach’s addresses to their team. I started to notice that there are a number of sayings, clichés and terms, that coaches use. When I began to document and research for this program, I realised that these terms could be applied in other situations.

There are so many double meanings and if you’re willing to be a bit silly and let your dirty mind take control for a while, it can also be quite amusing.

To the untrained eye it may appear that the team is just running around with no real direction or strategy, and on some days, it may feel like this to the coach too!

But what many people don’t realise is that there a number of “set plays” that the team must learn in order to move the ball effectively around the ground. This is often referred to as the game plan.

In this, the third session of “Embracing the Whiteboard”, I will show you how to harness the power of the “football cliché” and the “set play” to spice things up in the bedroom.

I will show you how by carefully choosing the words you use and the way you say them, your “special adult time” will become next level!

For this session, I suggest getting yourself a small whiteboard.

How to use it will be shown in the short instructional video at the end.

 You’re here, let’s get started.

Part 3a-  Football words and terms for bedroom fun!

You may have heard the use of terms in the media or when listening to a coach’s address, and not been sure what they mean. It really doesn’t matter what they mean, we are not using them for their real meaning anyway, what matters is that you can use these words to give your partner some very specific instructions that will be understood with crystal clarity.

There are many words that coaches and the football community have to describe activities that happen on the field. This session I will be listing a number of these words and terms below, but instead of telling you what they mean, I will demonstrate how I would use them.

Watch the short video at the end.

Trust me though, you will get a fair idea of just how erotic the language of football can be if you approach it with a dirty mind.

Football words that can be used in the bedroom-

composure                skills               efficiency                   rotations/rotate

“midfield tap zones”            consistency            “dead pocket”               “advantage area”

ball skills/handling             “push up to the play”                       “up the corridor”

“front and centre”                       “get involved”                     “be accountable”

“cover the exits”       “defend the ball carrier”                 “stay low in wet conditions”

“two hands to the contest”

Read them again, say them in your best sexy voice.

Yes, that’s right, footy is a sexual game.

Part 3a-  Organise some set plays

A coach will have a number of set plays that they will want their players to learn.  The “set play” is a series of movements the team will make when instructed. It is most often seen as players, organising themselves at the kick in and around the centre square when the ball is to be bounced.  There may also be set directions of play that the team needs to follow when moving the ball from one end of the ground to the other. Coaches often have code words for their set plays.

How handy would this be if you and your partner had some “set plays” and “code words” of your own?

At home, this might look like-

Kids are all occupied, one’s asleep, one’s at a friend’s house and one is playing video games with noise reducing head phones on (add or reduce scenarios depending on your number of children).

You catch your partners eye over the piles of washing needing to be folded, you take a few tentative steps towards them, only standing on 3 small pieces of Lego, and you whisper in their ear,

“you have been rotated off the bench (get your arse off that couch), get onto the ground (the bed), you have 5 mins to move up the corridor, staying front and centre, no playing behind the packs! I want you using both hands. Show me your skills and be efficient. I want results!” 

As you train and use the language more you may even have it down to a code word!  

Depending on the ages and genders of your children, your code word could be Frozen or Cars!  It gives you and your partner the opportunity to know what’s about to happen without anyone else knowing. If you ever get the chance that is!! 

Good luck and keep using the language of football as the offseason approaches. Keep practicing and using that whiteboard.

Please watch the short instructional video to see how to implement the strategies we have learnt about today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Embracing the whiteboard – Part 2

Hi there, I hope you’ve had a great few weeks.

Have you been embracing the whiteboard?

Did you practice using the “language of football” to get your team organised?

A quick re-cap of what we covered in the last session –

  • Positions
  • 1%’s (one percenters)
  • Weekly Focus
  • K.P.I.’s (Key Performance Indicators)

Keep using the language and encouraging your family with words like support, back up and follow-up. These are powerful words, they spread positivity and help with team work. Keep using “Coaches Voice” to really get your point across.

This week we will be focussing on encouraging your family to do things for you (and the team)………because they want to.

I know! It’s an amazing concept, but I’ve seen it in action.

During my many years as a student of the game, and as the wife of a player and coach, I have seen people do things that they cannot possibly want to do. Players will perform tasks of unbelievable courage and strength, just because the coach says so.

Or is it?

I’ll let you in on the secret, they do it for their place in the team and votes.

One of the biggest fears of the footballer is being “dropped” (explanation below) and one of the biggest draw cards  is the chance to be best on ground, most courageous, and possibly get a trophy at the end of the year at presentation night.

In this, the second session of “Embracing the Whiteboard”, I will show you how to harness the power of the “being dropped” and the “votes system”, to get things done around your house and to have your family competing for your approval.

Don’t forget to watch the short instructional video that will put all we have learnt into practice and give you a format from which to learn the language.

You’re here, let’s get started.

Part 2a-  Do you want to be dropped?

In the football club environment players are rewarded for holding their spot in the team.  The rewards can be elevated status, higher payments, leadership responsibilities and the respect of the players, and others around the club.  So you can imagine how devastating it is to be dropped.

  • Being dropped – a player may have been playing in the Firsts (the really good ones) for a couple of weeks and then their form starts to slip.  They might stop following the team rules, not playing to their normal level and thinking they can rest on their laurels. After a couple of weeks of the coach trying to discuss their form and offer feedback, nothing changes, this player might be dropped. This means that they will then play in the  two’s (also known as the development side, not as good as the firsts). The player will then need to prove themselves, to regain their spot in the team.

At home this might look like – numerous discussions have been had regarding room cleanliness and the level of help with household chores declining. The child in question may be relying on the fact that they have always done it, to get them through. An opportunity comes up for a fun family outing and unfortunately the child in question is “dropped” for poor performance and will be spending the day at Crazy Aunty Evie’s house. She has no WiFi and there is a strange smell in her house that no-one can identify.

Someone doesn’t have to be dropped each week. If everyone is performing then they hold their spot. But it’s a good thing to have having over their heads. If they drop form, they get dropped.

Part 2b – Embracing the votes system 

In the football club environment the votes are normally read out at the end of the game and in senior football clubs it’s a good draw card to motivate the players and supporters to stay around the club after the game. Good for morale, club culture and the bar takings. By harnessing the power of the votes system at home, you too can lift morale and build a family culture.

The votes system is a great way to increase resilience and to let your family know that not everyone gets a prize, but everyone can give themselves every opportunity to succeed. Although you won’t word it as such, the votes system allows you to have a your children compete to be your “favourite for the week or month”.

  • Votes – Players are awarded votes by the umpires and the coaching staff. Votes are read out at the end of the game. Prizes from local businesses are also attached to the votes. Everyone loves it when the bald guy at the club gets the hairdresser award. Don’t be afraid to inject a bit of humour into your votes.

At home this might look like- me assigning a set of points to various tasks and behaviours around the house. You can give points to many tasks, some of my personal favourites are- cleaning the toilet, folding the washing, walking the dog, cooking dinner, putting the bins out and making my cup of tea just the way I like it. Points are also given for supporting and helping others.

Your decision is final and no negotiation will be entered into.

A tally is kept and at the end of the month (You can do it weekly too),  I read out the votes. Don’t feel bad if you have 2 children and only 1 gets an award. Hello resilience!  Awards are earned not given out willy nilly, someone needs to work a little harder next week.

IMG_3182
White board set up                     (B.O.G. means Best On Ground)

Please watch this short instructional video to see the “Being Dropped” and “Votes” speeches in action.

The next session is a special one!

We will be focussing on using the language of football to get your needs met in the boudoir!! It’s an informative session and good for all skill levels.

 

 

 

 

 

Embracing the whiteboard – life lessons of an experienced football wife.

I believe that all experiences in life are to teach us something or they are preparing us for something great. Maybe it’s our life’s purpose or helping us find our true passion. Whatever the reason I have decided to act on it.

I have made the decision to use my vast knowledge of football to help other women. I have written a four step program (4 quarters) called “Embracing the whiteboard”, to help women, like my past self,  who may be struggling with the all-consuming game.

A bit of background for those who are not familiar with my story-

I started studying the art of football about 26 years ago.  I studied closely and followed the game religiously, I may also have been following a certain young man but that’s beside the point. What I was to come to realise was that being a footballer wasn’t just the weekend hobby I thought it was.

It was all consuming. The training, the game day routine, the superstitions and like a part of society I had never experienced before, a sub culture, it had it’s own language.

Through my program, “Embracing the whiteboard”, I will show you how to incorporate the terms and strategies used by coaches and players, to transform your home life and have your family playing like a premiership team in no time.

I understand the power of language and trust me the language of football is a powerful one. I have spent years researching and living it, so, I know. These words can get a sane man to run out onto a field in the middle of winter, to chase a ball and get it through some sticks, while wearing shorts and a tank top, and being pummelled by other men.

Powerful stuff.

Now you too can harness the power of this language and make it work for you. This program is like de-coding an ancient language and finally understanding the meaning of life.

You will also learn how to use your voice as a powerful tool. By just dropping an octave or two you can illicit a response from your team that you never thought possible.

During the program “Embracing the Whiteboard”, we will look at –

  • Incorporating the whiteboard into daily life
  • Assigning the chores and actually have them get done
  • Making family time a priority
  • Letting your children compete for your love and receive votes
  • Marketing and branding your “Team” for buy in

And my personal favourite –

  • How to incorporate “footy speak” into the bedroom (absolute game changer)

This program will change your life, and if it doesn’t it will give you a laugh and you will have some new words in your vocabulary.

Each session will be accompanied by a short instructional video that will put all we have learnt into practice and give you a format from which to learn the language.

There is no time like the present, you are here now, so let’s get started.

Part 1- Incorporating the whiteboard into daily life 

The whiteboard is an integral part of this program. If you don’t already have one at home you will be making a purchase soon.  If you’ve ever seen a football coach heading out onto the field to address his players he is most likely carrying a whiteboard.  It is covered with lots of little magnets, they have the players names on them.

It’s very important, as the players look to the whiteboard for guidance. They look to the whiteboard to know what is expected of them, where they should be and what they should be doing.

About 8 years ago I developed the whiteboard system at home. I’m here today to share my tips to make the whiteboard the source of truth in your home. You will need –

A white large whiteboard, whiteboard markers and a ruler.

You will rule the whiteboard up giving each family member a column, a column for dates and a column for notes.

Now for the most important part, the language of the whiteboard. You need to know the terms but you also need to understand their meaning and how to use them correctly. Below is a list of terms that you will be using and their meaning-

  • Positions – this tells all team members where they need to be and when. Knowing your position and that of your team mates allows you to offer support and be supported.

At home this look like – Morgan – deb practice – Wednesday night 7pm. The team can then organise who will need to be there to support Morgan by getting her to practice.

  • 1%’s (one percenters) – the small tasks that may not get a lot of recognition but need to be done for the team to win.

At home the 1%’s might be cleaning, putting the bins out or feeding the dog. No glory attached to them but they are essential.

  • Weekly Focus- having a weekly focus lets the team know what takes priority that week. It helps the team prioritise and lets them know why other things may have to be overlooked to meet the focus.

At home it helps have a conversation, “Sorry Paige but you can’t go to that party this Saturday, look at our focus for the week. It’s Morgan’s Deb. The team’s focus takes priority so try again next week.” 

  • K.P.I.’s (Key Performance Indicators) – these are the measures that let the team know what they are working towards in their game plan. These are usually measured quarter by quarter in a game. It shows teams where they may need to apply more pressure or applied focus. eg -tackle count – shows how much pressure they have applied to the opposition.

At home I prefer to measure the KPI’s weekly. I often set them around cleaning chores. One of my favourite KPI’s is toilet cleanliness. If I see a skid mark in any toilet then I know we are not applying enough pressure to the toilet with a brush or toilet cleaner, and it’s an area for improvement.

Please watch this short instructional video to see the Whiteboard Address in action.

**Don’t forget to practice and join us in 2 weeks to learn how to use this empowering language to get your children to compete for your affection, by introducing a votes system. Revolutionary!**

 

 

 

I became a new mum, but I didn’t have a baby…

Last weekend I became a new mum.

But I didn’t have a baby!

My youngest daughter, and last child still living at home, left to head overseas for 7 months to perform on cruise ships.

I am so proud and so excited for her, but it hit me hard. Harder than I was expecting.

Yep, my nest is now empty, but it was for half the week anyway. It wasn’t like she was home every night and she was always busy, so I’m used to her not being physically here.

But she was always coming home at some point. Or calling to ask something, or calling to check on me and find our where I was (yes the tables do turn!).

What has hit me is that I am a new mum.

I am not the same mum I was this time last week.

I am now a mum who has raised her kids and they have left home.

Now I feel like someone who is a mother, but not a day to day mum.

I am fully aware that raising strong, independent and courageous women was always the end goal, but that doesn’t mean I am ready.

I feel more unsure of myself right now than I did the day I brought by first baby home from hospital.

I remember placing the capsule in the nursery,  looking at Scott and saying “What now?”  This is exactly how I felt on Sunday.

I held it together at the airport but when I got home to my quieter, cleaner and emptier house, I looked at the same man, 22 years later and whispered through my tears,

“What happens now?”

I feel empty. And yet my life is full.

I feel unsure of my identity. And yet, I have a life where I am Lisa, not Mum.

I feel this ache in my soul for every minute I didn’t appreciate or the minutes I thought I would have more of.

I keep wondering if I did enough. Have I sent them off with enough life skills, memories and advice?

It’s not a logical process, it’s a gut wrenching physical one. I have loved being a mum and I have been bloody good at it.

I have put a lot of thought into who and how I would be when the time came for my nest to empty out, but it didn’t prepare me for the actual event.

I won’t come home and see 16 cups, 10 plates and 9 forks on the sink (not in the dishwasher) and many bodies on the lounges.

I won’t hear arguments and singing from the bathroom, which has taken on a golden glow from the fake tan and bronzing powder.

I will no longer be called on to fetch more toilet paper, settle a dispute over clothing ownership or help with life’s big issues, like wedges or stilettos.

My washing basket will no longer be overflowing, my house will stay cleaner and I will not have to fight for the remote as much.

We will also be able to holiday on the Amalfi Coast in Italy each year with the money we are saving on sanitary products.

It’s actually sounding OK……

I did calm down (much to Scott’s relief) after an hour and a half of really ugly crying. Like U.G.L.Y.! I tried to eat an omelette to distract myself and nearly vomited. You get the picture.

Poor Scott, he probably wanted to have a quiet moment, maybe a tear and reflect on how his life would now be different (in reality, he probably just wanted to get back to his football reporting), but he was really supportive.

He walked at a steady pace around me, not making eye contact, like you would walk around a wild animal when you’re not sure if it’s going to strike. He empty bins, cleaned things and did really random chores.

When my crying had calmed to that hiccup breathing, with moderate sniffing, he approached cautiously.

“Why don’t you do some writing, do something for your blog?” Bless, he was trying to offer a distraction, trying to be positive. Did it work? You be the judge……

“I can’t write my fucking blog because I don’t have a fucking computer. That’s right everyone else has one but Paige just left, Morgan doesn’t live here anymore and you use yours all the time. So, yeah, thanks for that!”

Insert more crying here.

The following sentence proves what an amazing man my husband is and how much he has learnt by living with 3 women for many years,

“Let’s go and buy you a computer”.

The poor bastard would’ve bought a new car, moved house and I think I could’ve milked it for a new puppy.

He was desperate. There was a crazy lady in the kitchen and he wasn’t convinced she was leaving any time soon.

Soooooooo, I’m writing this on my new computer. I may have been distraught but I am not stupid!

Life is getting back into routine. I love FaceTime and I can see that my baby is doing well.

I also have my oldest daughter living about 20 mins away, so I will now put a lot of pressure on her to see me more. I will bribe her with brunch and shopping. I will cry if needed.

I say thank you to the beautiful people in my life who saw through my bullshit façade and knew I would be a wreck. Your support, messages and advice have been invaluable.

To the man who helped fill my nest (sounds weird but I’m going with it) and now gets to share it with me while it’s empty, I thank you. You are my rock and I know the group message we have added you into is confusing and foreign, but you persevere. We will even let you use the thumbs up emoji.

I’m getting used to having more free time. In fact,  I’ve got to go now.

I have Pilates, then I’m getting a mani-pedi,

I had to fit it in today because the life drawing class I’ve signed up for was overlapping with the interpretive dance group I’ve joined. I’m just trying to figure out when I can fit in “Drumming and chanting for sexual growth”.

Oh and of course the house is now empty so Scott and I are nude all the time!

Lisa XX

 

Our baby as she left to take on the world. XX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Back in October last year I published a blog about the horror of getting ready for Summer. And by getting ready for Summer I mean, removing enough hair from my body to feel comfortable wearing shorts, a skirt or for extra torture a bathing suit.

Since 2017 is the year of “Lisa gets her sassy on” (only referred to as this by me, no-one else knows and it’s never left my head before now), I decided it was time I did something about the body hair situation in a more permanent way.

I often refer to the bikini line region on my body as the follicle party region. All other areas of my body have a light to moderate amount of hair. Nothing too over the top. And then Pow! Follicular overload.

If you’re a visual learner imagine that small triangle they use to depict pubic hair is now a full-sized caution road sign, that stretches from hip to hip, belly button and beyond.

avviso
No go zone!

So, laser hair removal. I felt that it was my only option.

Because……sensitive to wax and creams, prone to in grown hairs from shaving, scared I was going to catch my lady lips in the emjoy not so gently and the lady at the threading place looked horrified when I asked her if she did bikini lines.

“Oh hey, do you want to put some cotton in your mouth, get really close to my vajayjay and rip some hairs out?”

Obviously did not think that one through beforehand. I get her horror. I mean she would need to wear a metal mouth guard to reinforce her teeth before attempting it.

So off to the laser clinic I go.

I had rung up to make the appointment and purchase the 10 session pack they told me should be enough to notice a significant result. I laughed inside because I knew this girl was on her way to buying a new car. 10 sessions, as if!

I also decided to throw in the underarms while I was at it. Why not?

I was told to shave the areas I wanted hair removed from. I had to block out time in the calendar for this, it was a big job. It had to be done the night before so the skin was freshly hairless.

I purchased a 5 pack of disposable razors, I didn’t want to get stuck half way through with a blunt razor.  I was picturing myself, bent over, hacking away at my pubic hair with blunt, rusty nail scissors. You know the ones you find in the bottom of the junk drawer?

So the day arrives.

I arrive at the clinic and am taken into the treatment room.

It’s explained to me that they will be using a highlighter to mark the areas that are to be treated.

Easy done.

The lovely young lady confirms that I am indeed having my underarms and my bikini line done.

Yes I am.

I am told to remove my clothes, use the wipes provided for the treatment areas and just pop up onto the table.

Can do.

All done, settled myself up on the bed, quick intake of breath as my body hits the cold paper. It’s at this point that I realise how vulnerable I am. Completely naked, on a treatment bed about to have a laser pointed at my most private of private parts.

** I was also concerned that I had taken off too many items of clothing. I have been known to stop listening at,  “Please remove your clothes”, and not hearing the last bit of, “Just leave your underwear on”.  It’s an important sentence and has seen me shock a number of practitioners! 

The therapist comes back in and I can tell straight away that I’m not meant to be nude.

She does a quick, high-pitched “OH”, and then says “We normally do one area at a time, next time just leave your underwear on and we can do the underarms first.”

As she approaches me with her highlighter I see her face start to distort. Oh god, what’s wrong with me?

She is looking at my bikini line and she says, “Didn’t they tell you to shave before you came in?”

“I did shave, I’m keeping this bit”, I say.

“What, all of it?” She looks slightly horrified.

I then go into a nervous, verbal diarrhea, justification,

“Oh this is nothing you should have seen it before, I’m old school I believe we should keep some hair down hair, I once tried to wax it myself and it looked like a patchwork quilt, I’m happy with that amount, do you really think it’s too much?”

She just looks, tells me it’s my choice and starts highlighting.

Then comes my favourite question.

I’m equal parts jealous and horrified.

Jealous that she get to ask people this everyday and horrified that I have to answer.

“Sooooooo, are you doing labia to anus?”

Say what?

Yep that’s right LABIA TO ANUS!

I tell her I am probably just going to stick with the bikini line for now and I will work my way up to it. Concern then floods her face as she looks deep into my eyes to tell me,

“You might want to consider getting it done soon, once the hairs are grey they aren’t affected by the laser.”

Thanks for that you labia ageist.

I finish the treatment, labia and anus still untouched by the “laser beam” and I get dressed.

All up I was in that little room for no more than 15 minutes. 15 life changing minutes.

I walk out, smile, make small talk, book my next 67 appointments, buy a scrub, a cream and a lotion to stop ingrown hairs. I’ll be honest, I was just buying everything she recommended in the hope that she would be so happy with her sales that she would forget about my nudity and not laugh with her friends about my amount of downstairs hair.

I leave my first laser experience with the following information-

  • I thought I had left a “landing strip” type of pubic set up, turns out that’s only if you’re landing the new Airbus 380.
  • I obviously have visible grey hair on my labia, which if not removed ASAP will leave my lady parts looking like the mad professor in Back to the Future.
  • I must leave my underwear on unless asked specifically to remove it.

The positives I take from this experience are that it didn’t hurt as much as I was expecting and that I will be reasonably less hairy by next Summer.

Lisa XX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is the dress code? (For an over 40, mother of 2 adult children, who doesn’t want to look like a cat loving spinster or a 17 year old pop singer?)

Cameron Diaz and I are the same age!

Random I know but it will make sense soon.

I want you to picture her and what she wears as a 43 year old woman.

I would describe her style as casual chic.

Jeans, a white shirt or a cute dress. Some nice ballet flats or a heeled boot.

Easy right?

Disclaimer – I am not delusional; although we are the same age we look absolutely nothing alike, except maybe the blonde hair.

**Cameron on the left (just in case!)

Here is my dilemma.

As the mother of 2 daughters in their late teens/early twenties,

“What do I wear?”

I don’t want to look like mutton dressed as lamb but I don’t want to look like I’m ready for the bowls club either.

Apart from being too young for this look, I can never keep white clothes clean.

When the girls and I go shopping we sometimes find that we  like the same clothes.

But who gets precedence?

Who gets to keep the item we both like?

I’ve figured out the way it works in our house.  

They tell me it looks good on me so I buy it and then I never see it because they “borrow” it for 3 years.

They’ve been bloody playing me!

I was so happy for them to tell me I looked fashionable that I didn’t even care.

I was so desperate for compliments from the young and trendy (does anyone say trendy anymore) that I let them convince me  I looked good in clothes just so they could steal them.

To their credit they will also let me know when I look completely hideous and shouldn’t be allowed out of the house.

I recently tried on a top which I thought looked O.K. Didn’t love it but thought I’d see how it looked on.

The top sat a little weird around the bust area but put it down to the old bra I was wearing.

You know the one.  

It’s the bra you can wear when you really want to be in your pyjamas but visitors pop in at the last minute so you feel the need to have a bra and lipstick on.

It doesn’t do any heavy lifting, it just meets a social rule.

As I emerged from the change room my suspicions were confirmed with comments like,

“Oh hey,  great art smock Lisa.”

“Nice mono-boob Lisa.”

Luckily these comments were from the girls and not random strangers.

Top was taken off  and never spoken of again.

I still have the bra though! It’s just too comfortable to get rid of.

I often pray to Cameron (she has become my spiritual guide even though she is still very much alive and has no idea) for advice on choosing clothes.

Can I still show cleavage? And if so how much?

I figure a glimpse of belly button makes it too much.

My legs are good so can I just wear short skirts all the time?  How short is too short?

I do know that if hair removal is required then the skirt is too short.  Der!

Is it still ok to wear my top off the shoulder with my bra strap (good bra) showing? Or will I look like a flashdance tragic?

I can remove my bra without taking my top off. Thanks lady from Flashdance. #lifeskills

Off the shoulder is so in right now, but am I too old?

Or is the fact that I have shoulders like a male triathlete a turn off?

As seen in photo above, I’ve given it a whirl and I bloody love it. I have had pyjamas made “off the shoulder” to maximise on this flattering style.

I tried on a pair of jeans recently and I thought to myself;

“These jeans are so comfortable, I could sit for hours in them without them cutting into my waist”.

What the actual fuck!

Am I 70?

When was the last time I sat for hours?

As I looked at myself in the changeroom mirror I was equal parts shocked and surprised.

These jeans had magical powers but it was an evil form of black magic.

They had taken my arse and magically repositioned it behind my knees.

I am fully aware that I am not blessed with a Kimmy K style backside but I have enough roundness to distinguish my arse from my hamstrings and lower back.

Not in these jeans.

Comfortable denim is a trap to be avoided at all costs.

It will lull you into a false sense of security. You will imagine that this comfort makes you look relaxed and easygoing.

It doesn’t.

It makes you look arse-less and frumpy.

The stretch in the denim will change the shape of the garment within the first ten minutes of wearing it and your body shape will disappear along with it.

I once, unknowingly, made the massive error of wearing junners (jeans & runners).

When the girls saw me, thankfully according to them, before I left the house, they said “No Deal”.

Hanging a boob out and leaving the house would’ve received less of a reaction than wearing Junners.

Why are a pair of straight leg, dark denim jeans paired with some Asics not the same as a pair of 3/4 skinny jeans with a 1950’s inspired white sneaker?

Is this not technically junners?

Who makes the rules and how do I find out about them?

For now I will trust my own instincts and wear what I feel reasonably attractive in and I will be on the lookout for a sign from Cameron.

But trust me if I could, I would still be rocking the shit out of a mid drift top and a pencil skirt.

Lisa XX

For those playing along at home-

Skunners – skirt and runners   Lunners – leggings and runners

Drunners – dress and runners  Shunners – shorts and runners

 

Summer is coming!

Summer is on the way people.

It’s happening, the countdown is on, there is no more avoiding it;

YOU ARE GOING TO BE WEARING BATHERS SOON!

Worse than that, or better, I am heading to Hawaii at the end of the week and need to expose myself.

If like me you are completely freaked out at the thought of uncovering more flesh than a maxi skirt, skivvy combo reveals, then reading on is not going to make you feel much better. But keep reading.

As I sit here writing I am contemplating applying for some long service leave. It is going to take pretty much my full time, undivided attention to get my body ready for Summer.

I have been doing well over Winter with my exercise routine, I know I feel much stronger and a few kilos/inches have moved on. A mixture of Pilates and getting sweaty with Sam* have done their job.

*you may also know this as 28 by Sam Wood. I like to call say “I did Sam this morning” just to see who really listens to me at home. The answer is no-one.

Since I have sorted the exercise component what could possibly be bothering me I hear you ask.

Well, I’m going to throw this at you and I want you to google it.

Side Vag.

Yep, you read it correctly.

Side Vag.

Last Summer was apparently all about the side boob. You know that side view of the breast, visible with some tops with big arm holes. I’m sure they have technical names but you get the picture.

My girls could wear this big arm hole singlets and the side boob looks perky and a little bit sexy. My side boob happens when I lay down and the boob falls of the side of my chest and lands under my arm.

Same, same but different.

It is apparently also a great way to show off any side boob tattoos that you might have. Celebrities were also loving the side boob in evening gowns.

Can you do side boob and cleavage? Or is that just being pretty much topless?

Sorry, got sidetracked, back to side vag.

If anyone remembers the Olivia Newton-John, let’s get physical film clip (a personal favorite, god I loved O.N.J.) you would remember the outfits that were worn for aerobics. Those rally high cut leotards with the shiny lycra tights on underneath in a multitude of neon and pastel colors. Awesome right?

Well, brace yourselves, you know those leotards? They are now bathers and they’re skimpier than anything we thought was high cut in the 80’s and they are not wearing the tights underneath.

Oh no, because that would cover the side vag.

It’s that section of skin between the crease in the groin and where the bathers start.

So basically if you imagine a really skinny piece of material that covers the “business” and then makes its way straight up towards your belly button but then flares out at the last minute to head over your hips.

My poor husband will be having kittens when this trend hits our family camping holiday!

What happened to the bloody boy leg short?

The low cut, hipster, bikini, with a ruffle to cover any mishaps?

My question to the people who make the fashion rules is-

Is it ok for your side vag to have a fringe or a comb over?

Because even with my long service leave used up, a personal laser machine pointed at me while I sleep and a daily bath in hair removal cream, I fear I may still never be ready to reveal my side vag to the world.

The trends that are being invented by the young and hairless are discriminatory to those of us that have the pubic hair situation of an 80-year-old European man!

It is going to be ok.

I have the CFA out supervising the back burn, but now I need to start thinking about tanning.

I’m exhausted before my holiday even begins.

Get to work, Summer is coming for you.

Lisa X