Xmas stocking fillers (literally)

Well people, December is upon us again.

We can read a calendar, we know what comes after November, and yet it still seems to sneak up on as and wreak havoc.

I’ve expanded my Christmas shopping tools this year, partly to embrace online technology, but mostly to avoid shops, people and Christmas craziness.

I find myself buying some items off the ads that are more increasingly being added to my Instagram feed.  I have had a mix of hits and misses, but am happy to report that the hits are winning at the moment.

One of the things I have had from these ads is a massive shock, like massive!

A product has been making its way onto my Insta feed a little too much.  I am really concerned that if the ads are linked to our online presence or searches (don’t really understand it) then what does the internet world think I’m into?

Let me set the scene….

I am sitting on my couch, post Pilates, nursing an ice-cold water or G&T depending on the day. I decide to have an Instagram session, see what my online besties (people who have no idea who I am) are up to.

** Note – I was scrolling last week when I had jet lag and I went deep. You know that scrolling session where it takes you 18 back arrows to get home? Well let’s just say that I am now following Patti Newton, I know all of her grandkids names and I may have liked a pic from May 2014. Take care out there. **

So, I’ve just returned to my newsfeed when bam! THE AD appears.

I nearly scroll past but something catches my eye.

Can this be real? Is what I’m reading actually real?

I go back and re-read, I flick through the numerous pictures and it’s confirmed.

THE AD wants me to purchase a pair of undies that can hold up to 2 tampons worth of liquid.

Sorry, what? 2 tampons worth of liquid! That liquid is blood.

Yep, you heard me. Period undies!!

Someone out there wants me to walk around the streets, going about my daily life, all the while “free bleeding” into my undies.

NO! Just NO!

From someone who grew up wearing a mattress thick pad for the first 2 years of having a period, I cannot compute this item.

I spent all of my high school years, at period time, asking my girlfriends at the end of every class,

“Can you check?”

They knew exactly what I meant and lots of you reading will too. Getting your friends to check the back of your school dress in case of any leakage, which in itself was so unlikely given the 3-inch thickness of the pad you changed every hour………because paranoia.

Not to mention the fact that you would’ve needed to go home from school, with your jumper tied around your waist (a dead giveaway) and depending on the damage you might’ve need to change schools.

How can I now be expected to bleed freely into a set of bloomers?

**Bloomers was the 80’s/90’s term for a pair of thicker black undies, that you wore over your undies, under your school dress or netball skirt, so that no-one saw your undies. No allowing the vag to breath in the 80’s! **

I would be asking strangers on the train, the tram, at work, while shopping to “check me”! I would not be able to function in society anymore.

When discussing this item and my shock with my daughter she sends me a picture of the ad for the period bathers!

Are these people just taking the absolute piss now?

Am I the only one who saw Jaws? I am not willing to take the risk of being shark bait just to be on trend or save a tree or two.

I will continue to do what Dolly Doctor told me to do in 1988 and I will securely wedge the tampon string between my bum cheeks when wearing bathers. She hasn’t let me down yet, bless the Doctor.

Is this an environmental issue? Is there a cotton shortage?

I have Scott (husband) out in the back yard as we speak, digging a garden bed. He thinks we are planting some salad veggies, but I am going to be growing my own cotton. I have joined Pinterest and I’m sure there will be a DIY tampon making tutorial on there somewhere.

I will be rolling and stockpiling my home-made tampons. I’m basically the doomsday prepper of periods!

I will not be at the mercy of the free bleeding revolutionaries.

All being said and done I am fully supportive of a person’s right to choose. Do what’s right for you, and please if anyone tries these undies you must let me know. I will supply the wine and you can supply the details.

Have a happy and safe festive season and enjoy lots of laughter with loved ones.

Lisa X

Below is the link for the ad for anyone wanting a look.

https://www.shethinx.com/collections/period-panties/?utm_term=bing_261782111_1137994568852081_71124705248039_kwd-71124764647037:loc-9_c

What is the dress code? (For an over 40, mother of 2 adult children, who doesn’t want to look like a cat loving spinster or a 17 year old pop singer?)

Cameron Diaz and I are the same age!

Random I know but it will make sense soon.

I want you to picture her and what she wears as a 43 year old woman.

I would describe her style as casual chic.

Jeans, a white shirt or a cute dress. Some nice ballet flats or a heeled boot.

Easy right?

Disclaimer – I am not delusional; although we are the same age we look absolutely nothing alike, except maybe the blonde hair.

**Cameron on the left (just in case!)

Here is my dilemma.

As the mother of 2 daughters in their late teens/early twenties,

“What do I wear?”

I don’t want to look like mutton dressed as lamb but I don’t want to look like I’m ready for the bowls club either.

Apart from being too young for this look, I can never keep white clothes clean.

When the girls and I go shopping we sometimes find that we  like the same clothes.

But who gets precedence?

Who gets to keep the item we both like?

I’ve figured out the way it works in our house.  

They tell me it looks good on me so I buy it and then I never see it because they “borrow” it for 3 years.

They’ve been bloody playing me!

I was so happy for them to tell me I looked fashionable that I didn’t even care.

I was so desperate for compliments from the young and trendy (does anyone say trendy anymore) that I let them convince me  I looked good in clothes just so they could steal them.

To their credit they will also let me know when I look completely hideous and shouldn’t be allowed out of the house.

I recently tried on a top which I thought looked O.K. Didn’t love it but thought I’d see how it looked on.

The top sat a little weird around the bust area but put it down to the old bra I was wearing.

You know the one.  

It’s the bra you can wear when you really want to be in your pyjamas but visitors pop in at the last minute so you feel the need to have a bra and lipstick on.

It doesn’t do any heavy lifting, it just meets a social rule.

As I emerged from the change room my suspicions were confirmed with comments like,

“Oh hey,  great art smock Lisa.”

“Nice mono-boob Lisa.”

Luckily these comments were from the girls and not random strangers.

Top was taken off  and never spoken of again.

I still have the bra though! It’s just too comfortable to get rid of.

I often pray to Cameron (she has become my spiritual guide even though she is still very much alive and has no idea) for advice on choosing clothes.

Can I still show cleavage? And if so how much?

I figure a glimpse of belly button makes it too much.

My legs are good so can I just wear short skirts all the time?  How short is too short?

I do know that if hair removal is required then the skirt is too short.  Der!

Is it still ok to wear my top off the shoulder with my bra strap (good bra) showing? Or will I look like a flashdance tragic?

I can remove my bra without taking my top off. Thanks lady from Flashdance. #lifeskills

Off the shoulder is so in right now, but am I too old?

Or is the fact that I have shoulders like a male triathlete a turn off?

As seen in photo above, I’ve given it a whirl and I bloody love it. I have had pyjamas made “off the shoulder” to maximise on this flattering style.

I tried on a pair of jeans recently and I thought to myself;

“These jeans are so comfortable, I could sit for hours in them without them cutting into my waist”.

What the actual fuck!

Am I 70?

When was the last time I sat for hours?

As I looked at myself in the changeroom mirror I was equal parts shocked and surprised.

These jeans had magical powers but it was an evil form of black magic.

They had taken my arse and magically repositioned it behind my knees.

I am fully aware that I am not blessed with a Kimmy K style backside but I have enough roundness to distinguish my arse from my hamstrings and lower back.

Not in these jeans.

Comfortable denim is a trap to be avoided at all costs.

It will lull you into a false sense of security. You will imagine that this comfort makes you look relaxed and easygoing.

It doesn’t.

It makes you look arse-less and frumpy.

The stretch in the denim will change the shape of the garment within the first ten minutes of wearing it and your body shape will disappear along with it.

I once, unknowingly, made the massive error of wearing junners (jeans & runners).

When the girls saw me, thankfully according to them, before I left the house, they said “No Deal”.

Hanging a boob out and leaving the house would’ve received less of a reaction than wearing Junners.

Why are a pair of straight leg, dark denim jeans paired with some Asics not the same as a pair of 3/4 skinny jeans with a 1950’s inspired white sneaker?

Is this not technically junners?

Who makes the rules and how do I find out about them?

For now I will trust my own instincts and wear what I feel reasonably attractive in and I will be on the lookout for a sign from Cameron.

But trust me if I could, I would still be rocking the shit out of a mid drift top and a pencil skirt.

Lisa XX

For those playing along at home-

Skunners – skirt and runners   Lunners – leggings and runners

Drunners – dress and runners  Shunners – shorts and runners

 

My first bird is leaving the nest

I was reading back through my journal that I have been keeping since I had my children and it is entries like the one below that make me glad I have written consistently over the years.

Today has been a day for reflection.

My first born is moving out. I know as parents we joke about this day and the party we will have when it happens but in reality that’s not quite how it has felt today.

I am beyond proud and excited for her and I know she will be more than ok, but she will be more than ok without me.

I find in our busy lives we have little time for reflection.  With my journal I can reflect at any time and have a fantastic reference book of my own life’s experiences.

I look forward to being able to share these stories with my girls and then with their children. I know I would’ve loved a book filled with stories about me as I was growing up.

I fear that had I not kept this journal my memory would not have served me as well as I would have liked.  This is highlighted for me each week when I forget half of what I need at the supermarket.

09.11.2000

Today Morgan lost her first tooth.

It has been loose for about a week and I can’t believe it lasted as long as it did. 

The tooth fairy has just taken it from the fairy box she had placed it in and replaced it with two dollars. 

Two dollars seems so trivial an amount to place in the box for her tooth.

How can you put a price on the love and growing up and joy we have given and received from her since that tooth first came at the age of 3 months.

The sleepless nights as it formed in her gums, the red cheeks and constant drooling as it decided when to appear and the gorgeous grin with the dot of white when it finally came through.

How has one small piece enamel really made me think about my time mothering and about how fast this precious time is going?

It has been such a big month for Morgan (Not to mention the emotional turmoil for me).

She is into the 3rd week of her orientation program for primary school and she absolutely loves it.  Just to see my first-born going off to school like a little girl ready to face the world makes me want to wrap her in cotton wool like her tooth and put her away for safe keeping.

She is a full head taller than the other kids and she is just so smart that I am proud and sad at the same time.

I am so proud of how she handles situations and how she reacts with the other kids.  I wonder some days if I was that sure of myself at that age, then I remember how painfully shy I was and I am glad of her confidence.

 I try to be supportive of her and yet I just want to protect her forever from the world and anyone who would dare do the wrong thing by her.  If she is at all as worried as me about going she hides it well. 

She is excited by all she is learning as she should be, yet she asked me why the other kids didn’t all talk to her.  I asked her had she made the effort to talk to them and she just looked at me and said no but they should talk to me.

Paige is really going to miss her big sister when she is at school and I think Morgan will miss her too.  She feels so grown up being able to tell Paige all about school. 

I am looking forward though to having some one on one time with Paige and giving her a chance to develop her own personality with out her big sister monitoring her every move.  She is so funny at the moment and we are having some interesting outfit choices as she wants to dress herself more often.

Nana is convinced she has no nice clothes and that everything in her wardrobe is mismatched, but that is just the way she likes it.  She told her kinder teacher she likes to dress like the rainbow.  Who wouldn’t?

I never for one minute thought that being a mother could fill me with so many conflicting emotions, I am so joyously proud and in love with my girls but, like a mother in the jungle should any predator try to get near my young and hurt them, I will tear them limb from limb.

Everything I wrote in 2000 still resonates with me today.

Do yourself a massive favor and keep a journal or just note things down over the years. You will never regret having these memories to look back on.

Go and take on the world my gorgeous girl.

Lisa XX