Xmas stocking fillers (literally)

Well people, December is upon us again.

We can read a calendar, we know what comes after November, and yet it still seems to sneak up on as and wreak havoc.

I’ve expanded my Christmas shopping tools this year, partly to embrace online technology, but mostly to avoid shops, people and Christmas craziness.

I find myself buying some items off the ads that are more increasingly being added to my Instagram feed.  I have had a mix of hits and misses, but am happy to report that the hits are winning at the moment.

One of the things I have had from these ads is a massive shock, like massive!

A product has been making its way onto my Insta feed a little too much.  I am really concerned that if the ads are linked to our online presence or searches (don’t really understand it) then what does the internet world think I’m into?

Let me set the scene….

I am sitting on my couch, post Pilates, nursing an ice-cold water or G&T depending on the day. I decide to have an Instagram session, see what my online besties (people who have no idea who I am) are up to.

** Note – I was scrolling last week when I had jet lag and I went deep. You know that scrolling session where it takes you 18 back arrows to get home? Well let’s just say that I am now following Patti Newton, I know all of her grandkids names and I may have liked a pic from May 2014. Take care out there. **

So, I’ve just returned to my newsfeed when bam! THE AD appears.

I nearly scroll past but something catches my eye.

Can this be real? Is what I’m reading actually real?

I go back and re-read, I flick through the numerous pictures and it’s confirmed.

THE AD wants me to purchase a pair of undies that can hold up to 2 tampons worth of liquid.

Sorry, what? 2 tampons worth of liquid! That liquid is blood.

Yep, you heard me. Period undies!!

Someone out there wants me to walk around the streets, going about my daily life, all the while “free bleeding” into my undies.

NO! Just NO!

From someone who grew up wearing a mattress thick pad for the first 2 years of having a period, I cannot compute this item.

I spent all of my high school years, at period time, asking my girlfriends at the end of every class,

“Can you check?”

They knew exactly what I meant and lots of you reading will too. Getting your friends to check the back of your school dress in case of any leakage, which in itself was so unlikely given the 3-inch thickness of the pad you changed every hour………because paranoia.

Not to mention the fact that you would’ve needed to go home from school, with your jumper tied around your waist (a dead giveaway) and depending on the damage you might’ve need to change schools.

How can I now be expected to bleed freely into a set of bloomers?

**Bloomers was the 80’s/90’s term for a pair of thicker black undies, that you wore over your undies, under your school dress or netball skirt, so that no-one saw your undies. No allowing the vag to breath in the 80’s! **

I would be asking strangers on the train, the tram, at work, while shopping to “check me”! I would not be able to function in society anymore.

When discussing this item and my shock with my daughter she sends me a picture of the ad for the period bathers!

Are these people just taking the absolute piss now?

Am I the only one who saw Jaws? I am not willing to take the risk of being shark bait just to be on trend or save a tree or two.

I will continue to do what Dolly Doctor told me to do in 1988 and I will securely wedge the tampon string between my bum cheeks when wearing bathers. She hasn’t let me down yet, bless the Doctor.

Is this an environmental issue? Is there a cotton shortage?

I have Scott (husband) out in the back yard as we speak, digging a garden bed. He thinks we are planting some salad veggies, but I am going to be growing my own cotton. I have joined Pinterest and I’m sure there will be a DIY tampon making tutorial on there somewhere.

I will be rolling and stockpiling my home-made tampons. I’m basically the doomsday prepper of periods!

I will not be at the mercy of the free bleeding revolutionaries.

All being said and done I am fully supportive of a person’s right to choose. Do what’s right for you, and please if anyone tries these undies you must let me know. I will supply the wine and you can supply the details.

Have a happy and safe festive season and enjoy lots of laughter with loved ones.

Lisa X

Below is the link for the ad for anyone wanting a look.

https://www.shethinx.com/collections/period-panties/?utm_term=bing_261782111_1137994568852081_71124705248039_kwd-71124764647037:loc-9_c

Embracing the whiteboard – part 3 – (“The bedroom edition” )

Hi there, I hope you’re well.

Have you been embracing the whiteboard?

Did you “drop” anyone from your team?  Have you used the “votes system” to get the team performing?

Keep using the language of football and encouraging your family with statements like pulling your weight, contributing to the team and work ethic. These words are good reminders that we all have a role to play.

This week is a special edition of embracing the whiteboard and one of my personal favourites.

We will be using the language of football to assist you and your partner in the bedroom!

I know this sounds amazing, but it really works. By implementing a few simple steps, you can use the language of the great game (that may sometimes annoy you) to your benefit.

Over the years I have heard many, many coach’s addresses to their team. I started to notice that there are a number of sayings, clichés and terms, that coaches use. When I began to document and research for this program, I realised that these terms could be applied in other situations.

There are so many double meanings and if you’re willing to be a bit silly and let your dirty mind take control for a while, it can also be quite amusing.

To the untrained eye it may appear that the team is just running around with no real direction or strategy, and on some days, it may feel like this to the coach too!

But what many people don’t realise is that there a number of “set plays” that the team must learn in order to move the ball effectively around the ground. This is often referred to as the game plan.

In this, the third session of “Embracing the Whiteboard”, I will show you how to harness the power of the “football cliché” and the “set play” to spice things up in the bedroom.

I will show you how by carefully choosing the words you use and the way you say them, your “special adult time” will become next level!

For this session, I suggest getting yourself a small whiteboard.

How to use it will be shown in the short instructional video at the end.

 You’re here, let’s get started.

Part 3a-  Football words and terms for bedroom fun!

You may have heard the use of terms in the media or when listening to a coach’s address, and not been sure what they mean. It really doesn’t matter what they mean, we are not using them for their real meaning anyway, what matters is that you can use these words to give your partner some very specific instructions that will be understood with crystal clarity.

There are many words that coaches and the football community have to describe activities that happen on the field. This session I will be listing a number of these words and terms below, but instead of telling you what they mean, I will demonstrate how I would use them.

Watch the short video at the end.

Trust me though, you will get a fair idea of just how erotic the language of football can be if you approach it with a dirty mind.

Football words that can be used in the bedroom-

composure                skills               efficiency                   rotations/rotate

“midfield tap zones”            consistency            “dead pocket”               “advantage area”

ball skills/handling             “push up to the play”                       “up the corridor”

“front and centre”                       “get involved”                     “be accountable”

“cover the exits”       “defend the ball carrier”                 “stay low in wet conditions”

“two hands to the contest”

Read them again, say them in your best sexy voice.

Yes, that’s right, footy is a sexual game.

Part 3a-  Organise some set plays

A coach will have a number of set plays that they will want their players to learn.  The “set play” is a series of movements the team will make when instructed. It is most often seen as players, organising themselves at the kick in and around the centre square when the ball is to be bounced.  There may also be set directions of play that the team needs to follow when moving the ball from one end of the ground to the other. Coaches often have code words for their set plays.

How handy would this be if you and your partner had some “set plays” and “code words” of your own?

At home, this might look like-

Kids are all occupied, one’s asleep, one’s at a friend’s house and one is playing video games with noise reducing head phones on (add or reduce scenarios depending on your number of children).

You catch your partners eye over the piles of washing needing to be folded, you take a few tentative steps towards them, only standing on 3 small pieces of Lego, and you whisper in their ear,

“you have been rotated off the bench (get your arse off that couch), get onto the ground (the bed), you have 5 mins to move up the corridor, staying front and centre, no playing behind the packs! I want you using both hands. Show me your skills and be efficient. I want results!” 

As you train and use the language more you may even have it down to a code word!  

Depending on the ages and genders of your children, your code word could be Frozen or Cars!  It gives you and your partner the opportunity to know what’s about to happen without anyone else knowing. If you ever get the chance that is!! 

Good luck and keep using the language of football as the offseason approaches. Keep practicing and using that whiteboard.

Please watch the short instructional video to see how to implement the strategies we have learnt about today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Embracing the whiteboard – Part 2

Hi there, I hope you’ve had a great few weeks.

Have you been embracing the whiteboard?

Did you practice using the “language of football” to get your team organised?

A quick re-cap of what we covered in the last session –

  • Positions
  • 1%’s (one percenters)
  • Weekly Focus
  • K.P.I.’s (Key Performance Indicators)

Keep using the language and encouraging your family with words like support, back up and follow-up. These are powerful words, they spread positivity and help with team work. Keep using “Coaches Voice” to really get your point across.

This week we will be focussing on encouraging your family to do things for you (and the team)………because they want to.

I know! It’s an amazing concept, but I’ve seen it in action.

During my many years as a student of the game, and as the wife of a player and coach, I have seen people do things that they cannot possibly want to do. Players will perform tasks of unbelievable courage and strength, just because the coach says so.

Or is it?

I’ll let you in on the secret, they do it for their place in the team and votes.

One of the biggest fears of the footballer is being “dropped” (explanation below) and one of the biggest draw cards  is the chance to be best on ground, most courageous, and possibly get a trophy at the end of the year at presentation night.

In this, the second session of “Embracing the Whiteboard”, I will show you how to harness the power of the “being dropped” and the “votes system”, to get things done around your house and to have your family competing for your approval.

Don’t forget to watch the short instructional video that will put all we have learnt into practice and give you a format from which to learn the language.

You’re here, let’s get started.

Part 2a-  Do you want to be dropped?

In the football club environment players are rewarded for holding their spot in the team.  The rewards can be elevated status, higher payments, leadership responsibilities and the respect of the players, and others around the club.  So you can imagine how devastating it is to be dropped.

  • Being dropped – a player may have been playing in the Firsts (the really good ones) for a couple of weeks and then their form starts to slip.  They might stop following the team rules, not playing to their normal level and thinking they can rest on their laurels. After a couple of weeks of the coach trying to discuss their form and offer feedback, nothing changes, this player might be dropped. This means that they will then play in the  two’s (also known as the development side, not as good as the firsts). The player will then need to prove themselves, to regain their spot in the team.

At home this might look like – numerous discussions have been had regarding room cleanliness and the level of help with household chores declining. The child in question may be relying on the fact that they have always done it, to get them through. An opportunity comes up for a fun family outing and unfortunately the child in question is “dropped” for poor performance and will be spending the day at Crazy Aunty Evie’s house. She has no WiFi and there is a strange smell in her house that no-one can identify.

Someone doesn’t have to be dropped each week. If everyone is performing then they hold their spot. But it’s a good thing to have having over their heads. If they drop form, they get dropped.

Part 2b – Embracing the votes system 

In the football club environment the votes are normally read out at the end of the game and in senior football clubs it’s a good draw card to motivate the players and supporters to stay around the club after the game. Good for morale, club culture and the bar takings. By harnessing the power of the votes system at home, you too can lift morale and build a family culture.

The votes system is a great way to increase resilience and to let your family know that not everyone gets a prize, but everyone can give themselves every opportunity to succeed. Although you won’t word it as such, the votes system allows you to have a your children compete to be your “favourite for the week or month”.

  • Votes – Players are awarded votes by the umpires and the coaching staff. Votes are read out at the end of the game. Prizes from local businesses are also attached to the votes. Everyone loves it when the bald guy at the club gets the hairdresser award. Don’t be afraid to inject a bit of humour into your votes.

At home this might look like- me assigning a set of points to various tasks and behaviours around the house. You can give points to many tasks, some of my personal favourites are- cleaning the toilet, folding the washing, walking the dog, cooking dinner, putting the bins out and making my cup of tea just the way I like it. Points are also given for supporting and helping others.

Your decision is final and no negotiation will be entered into.

A tally is kept and at the end of the month (You can do it weekly too),  I read out the votes. Don’t feel bad if you have 2 children and only 1 gets an award. Hello resilience!  Awards are earned not given out willy nilly, someone needs to work a little harder next week.

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White board set up                     (B.O.G. means Best On Ground)

Please watch this short instructional video to see the “Being Dropped” and “Votes” speeches in action.

The next session is a special one!

We will be focussing on using the language of football to get your needs met in the boudoir!! It’s an informative session and good for all skill levels.

 

 

 

 

 

I became a new mum, but I didn’t have a baby…

Last weekend I became a new mum.

But I didn’t have a baby!

My youngest daughter, and last child still living at home, left to head overseas for 7 months to perform on cruise ships.

I am so proud and so excited for her, but it hit me hard. Harder than I was expecting.

Yep, my nest is now empty, but it was for half the week anyway. It wasn’t like she was home every night and she was always busy, so I’m used to her not being physically here.

But she was always coming home at some point. Or calling to ask something, or calling to check on me and find our where I was (yes the tables do turn!).

What has hit me is that I am a new mum.

I am not the same mum I was this time last week.

I am now a mum who has raised her kids and they have left home.

Now I feel like someone who is a mother, but not a day to day mum.

I am fully aware that raising strong, independent and courageous women was always the end goal, but that doesn’t mean I am ready.

I feel more unsure of myself right now than I did the day I brought by first baby home from hospital.

I remember placing the capsule in the nursery,  looking at Scott and saying “What now?”  This is exactly how I felt on Sunday.

I held it together at the airport but when I got home to my quieter, cleaner and emptier house, I looked at the same man, 22 years later and whispered through my tears,

“What happens now?”

I feel empty. And yet my life is full.

I feel unsure of my identity. And yet, I have a life where I am Lisa, not Mum.

I feel this ache in my soul for every minute I didn’t appreciate or the minutes I thought I would have more of.

I keep wondering if I did enough. Have I sent them off with enough life skills, memories and advice?

It’s not a logical process, it’s a gut wrenching physical one. I have loved being a mum and I have been bloody good at it.

I have put a lot of thought into who and how I would be when the time came for my nest to empty out, but it didn’t prepare me for the actual event.

I won’t come home and see 16 cups, 10 plates and 9 forks on the sink (not in the dishwasher) and many bodies on the lounges.

I won’t hear arguments and singing from the bathroom, which has taken on a golden glow from the fake tan and bronzing powder.

I will no longer be called on to fetch more toilet paper, settle a dispute over clothing ownership or help with life’s big issues, like wedges or stilettos.

My washing basket will no longer be overflowing, my house will stay cleaner and I will not have to fight for the remote as much.

We will also be able to holiday on the Amalfi Coast in Italy each year with the money we are saving on sanitary products.

It’s actually sounding OK……

I did calm down (much to Scott’s relief) after an hour and a half of really ugly crying. Like U.G.L.Y.! I tried to eat an omelette to distract myself and nearly vomited. You get the picture.

Poor Scott, he probably wanted to have a quiet moment, maybe a tear and reflect on how his life would now be different (in reality, he probably just wanted to get back to his football reporting), but he was really supportive.

He walked at a steady pace around me, not making eye contact, like you would walk around a wild animal when you’re not sure if it’s going to strike. He empty bins, cleaned things and did really random chores.

When my crying had calmed to that hiccup breathing, with moderate sniffing, he approached cautiously.

“Why don’t you do some writing, do something for your blog?” Bless, he was trying to offer a distraction, trying to be positive. Did it work? You be the judge……

“I can’t write my fucking blog because I don’t have a fucking computer. That’s right everyone else has one but Paige just left, Morgan doesn’t live here anymore and you use yours all the time. So, yeah, thanks for that!”

Insert more crying here.

The following sentence proves what an amazing man my husband is and how much he has learnt by living with 3 women for many years,

“Let’s go and buy you a computer”.

The poor bastard would’ve bought a new car, moved house and I think I could’ve milked it for a new puppy.

He was desperate. There was a crazy lady in the kitchen and he wasn’t convinced she was leaving any time soon.

Soooooooo, I’m writing this on my new computer. I may have been distraught but I am not stupid!

Life is getting back into routine. I love FaceTime and I can see that my baby is doing well.

I also have my oldest daughter living about 20 mins away, so I will now put a lot of pressure on her to see me more. I will bribe her with brunch and shopping. I will cry if needed.

I say thank you to the beautiful people in my life who saw through my bullshit façade and knew I would be a wreck. Your support, messages and advice have been invaluable.

To the man who helped fill my nest (sounds weird but I’m going with it) and now gets to share it with me while it’s empty, I thank you. You are my rock and I know the group message we have added you into is confusing and foreign, but you persevere. We will even let you use the thumbs up emoji.

I’m getting used to having more free time. In fact,  I’ve got to go now.

I have Pilates, then I’m getting a mani-pedi,

I had to fit it in today because the life drawing class I’ve signed up for was overlapping with the interpretive dance group I’ve joined. I’m just trying to figure out when I can fit in “Drumming and chanting for sexual growth”.

Oh and of course the house is now empty so Scott and I are nude all the time!

Lisa XX

 

Our baby as she left to take on the world. XX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mirror, Mirror on the wall…..

I’ve recently starting doing Pilates.

It’s in a cute little boutique studio with a lovely vibe and really encouraging instructors.

My relaxation and switching off from the world starts as soon as I walk in the door. I love the smell, the lighting and the whole vibe the place puts out. The green colour scheme is so calming and god know we all need a bit of calm in our busy lives.

I have splurged and invested in a new sports bra. One that doesn’t feel like I’m wearing a 1920’s corset. I’ve done a bit of running in the past and these boobs of mine needed to be strapped down!  It’s also a bit different getting used to wearing no shoes. I love having bare feet so I think we will get along well.

The class starts with stretching and get this, while laying down.

Any activity that allows me to lay down, encourages deep breathing and helps me stretch away the day is for me.

After 4 or 5 sessions I felt less sore and more strong. I’m not in the class to get skinny, although if it happens by accident I will be ok with it, I am in the class to feel strong. I need to build some muscle to stop my bingo wings and bum both reaching much lower levels on my body than they should.

I’m learning to find my spine’s neutral position, how to isolate my upper and lower abs. This requires me actually finding my abs. Luckily for me you don’t need to be able to see the abs to isolate them.

So as you can probably tell I’m really enjoying Pilates and feel stronger for it.

Here is my one issue.

Mirrors.

The whole wall of the studio is covered in mirrors. As someone who avoids mirrors unless absolutely necessary, it’s like torture for me.

I have this thing in my head where I can see myself doing the moves and I look bloody good. I’m graceful, fluid and elegant.

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This is how I look in my head!

The mirrors ruin this picture for me and I become sweaty, clunky and a bit uncoordinated.

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Reality….

I have the same issue with mirrors in nightclubs or anywhere I like to dance. Again my mind’s picture is much more flattering to me than that mirrored reality and quite frankly I like my delusional head space.

So I will keep going to Pilates despite the mirrors and I will need to muster a new level of self acceptance –

  • My boobs get in the way of some of the arm exercises
  • I have some back fat
  • My stomach is flat when I lie down or stand up really straight and no where in between
  • My legs are skinny and I sometimes look like a lolly pop

The positives, (there are always positives)-

  • I’m still smiling at the end of class
  • I haven’t fallen down the stairs when my legs are shaking after class
  • I’ve met some lovely people
  • My daughter is doing this with me (I’m also competing with her in my head and I sometimes do heavier springs just to have a little victory)

See you when I have Michelle Obama arms!

Lisa X

 

 

 

 

Emotional reactions

I think I have “Parental Emotional Exhaustion (P.E.E.)”.

Might need to re- think the acronym……

Anyway, it’s a condition I believe I have had for a while and the last few weeks have convinced me.

I have witnessed so many milestones and received so much good news recently that I am unsure how to process it all. I respond at the correct time and share the excitement but I always feel like I need some alone time later to fully process all that I have heard.

My dilemma is…….

As a parent I am so proud of all milestones my kids reach. I’m just as proud when I hear they have nice manners and are kind as I am when they achieve the “big things”, but I’m struggling with how to react to each new announcement.

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I feel as is I’m failing to covey just how immensely proud and absolutely in awe of them I am. My heart is so full it could burst and as they are speaking to me my mind keeps recalling moments that I knew would lead here.

That look of steely determination from a 5 year old learning to master a new dance move or the magazine obsession of a 13 year old who told me she was doing research flash through my mind. These moments were the building blocks to what I see before me today and I can’t comprehend at times how blessed I am to have been a part of it.

I try to give a response that let’s the girls know I hear them, I’m proud of them and I will be there for the ride with them. But in my head I’m wondering am I making the right face, am I excited enough, should I high five them or is a hug more appropriate?

I know that running at someone and chest bumping them is not seen as congratulatory. I see all mistakes I’ve made in the past as an opportunity to learn.

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I’m self editing my emotional responses. But why?

I believe my P.E.E. (really need to workshop that) is being exacerbated by a number of other factors. These conditions are forcing me to edit my natural responses to good news and times of celebration.

I try not to cry too much. I have U.C.S. (Ugly Criers Syndrome). If this is a situation that leads to a photo opportunity I don’t want to be red and blotchy. I’m working on having that one perfect tear that falls perfectly down my cheek. #cryinggoals

If I’m having a bout of N.S.B (No Sports Bra) there will be no jumping. The possibility of causing concussion to myself or someone close is too big a risk. No-one needs to see that.

I do also suffer from V.A.U. It’s a condition when your first question upon hearing about a trip is to ask about vaccinations and underwear. It’s manageable but I don’t know if I’ll ever be cured.

I know there are times when the girls wished I’d edited my responses more and rightly so, I probably should’ve, but I will now make more of an effort to edit myself less. (That statement has just scared the life out of my family.)

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I will go with my first instinct when I hear amazing news and I will cry, scream and jump with joy more.

If you happen to see me red faced, blotchy eyed, boobs-a-swinging and talking about the “underwear to day of trip ratio” (see **), then you will know I’ve had some great news.

Lisa XX

** the underwear ratio in it’s worse case scenario mathematical form – 

U=X x (2c + 3s + 5d)

U=underwear needed for trip, X=days of trip, C=change of clothes in a day, S=change due to excessive sweating and D=spontaneous diarreah.