The Triple Threat

The term “Triple Threat” is one that you would normally hear in entertainment circles.

To be a triple threat is to excel at the three main performance areas.

You can sing, dance and act/present!

This is rare and hence why being a triple threat is so impressive.

Well people, I’m here to let you know that today I became a triple threat!

o-LIZA-MINNELLI-CABARET
Just casually being a “Triple Threat”

I can not sing, I can dance drunk and I can act like a clown, but these are not the areas that my skills have been recognised.

Today I learnt that by making a life choice and not really trying, can qualify you as something really special in some industries.

I was told by a complete stranger how incredibly special I was and I didn’t even try.

She didn’t even use the words triple threat, or special, but I could tell from her body and face language.

You know that face where someone is completely overcome with disbelief that they just can’t hide the shock on their face?

That face where their head tilts to the side and they make a kind of scrunched up face. It may look like confusion or pity, but I prefer to think of it as someone being in awe. In awe of what they have just witnessed.

I would just like to clear one thing up as I build the drama here……. today’s event did not include any accidental nudity. If you’ve read previous posts you will know by now that sometimes I don’t fully understand directions and I end up taking off too many clothes. This is more likely to happen at a doctor or laser hair removal clinic, but osteos and physios are not safe either.

By now you are just dying to know where was I when my triple threat talent was discovered!

Back story…………(this information will add context)

About 10 years ago I had laser eye surgery. I wore glasses for distance. I was told at the time that there was the possibility that within 10 -12 years my eye sight may decline and I could need glasses again.

Well doesn’t time fly? It’s been just over 10 years and my eyes were getting a bit irritated and I had a few headaches. I tried some eye drops but they were not working. I had put the changes in vision down to too much screen time and looking at my smaller phone screen more on the train.

Well, no. They were not the reasons. Of course, they can help to make the symptoms worse but they were not causing the issue.

As I sat opposite the optometrist and we discussed my eye sight history, she said;

“I will have a look and see what is happening but unless you’ve had laser eye surgery, are on hormone tablets or are peri-menopausal, then I don’t think there will be an issue.”

Hold up, what?

I have, I am and I am!

I am the laser eyed, hormone controlled, menopausal patient you have been dreaming of!

I am your optometry triple threat.

This is the part where her face was overcome with the shadow of disbelief.

I’m pretty sure she is telling her co-workers about me right now. I am like the urban myth that optometrists will be talking about at their conferences. They will all be wearing novelty glasses, coloured cat-eye contact lenses and chatting about the triple threat.

She even asked for clarification of the hormone tablet I was on just to know I was legit. She didn’t want to make the big announcement in the staffroom and then find out I wasn’t real.

My appointment then continued to find that my right eye is lazy, I bloody knew it, she’s always letting the team down, my left eye is over compensating (now it’s sounding like a bad marriage) and I am lacking moisture in my eyes.

Thanks to those blasted hormones there are a few places on my body that are lacking moisture………

I am now awaiting my 2 pairs for $199 glasses that Alex Perry has so graciously designed for me. I will wear them up on head in thanks.

In case you hadn’t noticed, I am putting a really positive spin on the gradual advancement of the aging process.

I had also had a physio appointment this morning (stayed clothed) and was told that the niggling shoulder pain I’ve been experiencing is most likely due to the gradual rounding of my shoulders. I need to work on my posture and my shoulder placement. I now have to actively concentrate on how my shoulders are positioned. It’s too much.

My body is rounding, hunching, my shoulders are forgetting where to sit, I’m lacking moisture (it hits multiple areas, you’ve been warned), grey hairs are here to stay as they are immune to the powerful laser beam and my hormones are unstable.  Aren’t I a treat?

No! I’m a triple threat and don’t you forget it.

triple threat picture
Off out to lunch with the girls

But I figure, fuck it. I will take my hunching hormonal self to Pilates, I will laugh with my friends, I will dance when and where I feel like it, I will enjoy special moments with family and I will purchase every synthetic lubricant known to woman.

Live your best life.

Lisa XX

 

 

Liza – http://doloresdelargotowers.blogspot.com/2014/03/with-z.html

Old lady -http://bandaidsblog.blogspot.com/2009_11_22_archive.html

 

 

 

 

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Back in October last year I published a blog about the horror of getting ready for Summer. And by getting ready for Summer I mean, removing enough hair from my body to feel comfortable wearing shorts, a skirt or for extra torture a bathing suit.

Since 2017 is the year of “Lisa gets her sassy on” (only referred to as this by me, no-one else knows and it’s never left my head before now), I decided it was time I did something about the body hair situation in a more permanent way.

I often refer to the bikini line region on my body as the follicle party region. All other areas of my body have a light to moderate amount of hair. Nothing too over the top. And then Pow! Follicular overload.

If you’re a visual learner imagine that small triangle they use to depict pubic hair is now a full-sized caution road sign, that stretches from hip to hip, belly button and beyond.

avviso
No go zone!

So, laser hair removal. I felt that it was my only option.

Because……sensitive to wax and creams, prone to in grown hairs from shaving, scared I was going to catch my lady lips in the emjoy not so gently and the lady at the threading place looked horrified when I asked her if she did bikini lines.

“Oh hey, do you want to put some cotton in your mouth, get really close to my vajayjay and rip some hairs out?”

Obviously did not think that one through beforehand. I get her horror. I mean she would need to wear a metal mouth guard to reinforce her teeth before attempting it.

So off to the laser clinic I go.

I had rung up to make the appointment and purchase the 10 session pack they told me should be enough to notice a significant result. I laughed inside because I knew this girl was on her way to buying a new car. 10 sessions, as if!

I also decided to throw in the underarms while I was at it. Why not?

I was told to shave the areas I wanted hair removed from. I had to block out time in the calendar for this, it was a big job. It had to be done the night before so the skin was freshly hairless.

I purchased a 5 pack of disposable razors, I didn’t want to get stuck half way through with a blunt razor.  I was picturing myself, bent over, hacking away at my pubic hair with blunt, rusty nail scissors. You know the ones you find in the bottom of the junk drawer?

So the day arrives.

I arrive at the clinic and am taken into the treatment room.

It’s explained to me that they will be using a highlighter to mark the areas that are to be treated.

Easy done.

The lovely young lady confirms that I am indeed having my underarms and my bikini line done.

Yes I am.

I am told to remove my clothes, use the wipes provided for the treatment areas and just pop up onto the table.

Can do.

All done, settled myself up on the bed, quick intake of breath as my body hits the cold paper. It’s at this point that I realise how vulnerable I am. Completely naked, on a treatment bed about to have a laser pointed at my most private of private parts.

** I was also concerned that I had taken off too many items of clothing. I have been known to stop listening at,  “Please remove your clothes”, and not hearing the last bit of, “Just leave your underwear on”.  It’s an important sentence and has seen me shock a number of practitioners! 

The therapist comes back in and I can tell straight away that I’m not meant to be nude.

She does a quick, high-pitched “OH”, and then says “We normally do one area at a time, next time just leave your underwear on and we can do the underarms first.”

As she approaches me with her highlighter I see her face start to distort. Oh god, what’s wrong with me?

She is looking at my bikini line and she says, “Didn’t they tell you to shave before you came in?”

“I did shave, I’m keeping this bit”, I say.

“What, all of it?” She looks slightly horrified.

I then go into a nervous, verbal diarrhea, justification,

“Oh this is nothing you should have seen it before, I’m old school I believe we should keep some hair down hair, I once tried to wax it myself and it looked like a patchwork quilt, I’m happy with that amount, do you really think it’s too much?”

She just looks, tells me it’s my choice and starts highlighting.

Then comes my favourite question.

I’m equal parts jealous and horrified.

Jealous that she get to ask people this everyday and horrified that I have to answer.

“Sooooooo, are you doing labia to anus?”

Say what?

Yep that’s right LABIA TO ANUS!

I tell her I am probably just going to stick with the bikini line for now and I will work my way up to it. Concern then floods her face as she looks deep into my eyes to tell me,

“You might want to consider getting it done soon, once the hairs are grey they aren’t affected by the laser.”

Thanks for that you labia ageist.

I finish the treatment, labia and anus still untouched by the “laser beam” and I get dressed.

All up I was in that little room for no more than 15 minutes. 15 life changing minutes.

I walk out, smile, make small talk, book my next 67 appointments, buy a scrub, a cream and a lotion to stop ingrown hairs. I’ll be honest, I was just buying everything she recommended in the hope that she would be so happy with her sales that she would forget about my nudity and not laugh with her friends about my amount of downstairs hair.

I leave my first laser experience with the following information-

  • I thought I had left a “landing strip” type of pubic set up, turns out that’s only if you’re landing the new Airbus 380.
  • I obviously have visible grey hair on my labia, which if not removed ASAP will leave my lady parts looking like the mad professor in Back to the Future.
  • I must leave my underwear on unless asked specifically to remove it.

The positives I take from this experience are that it didn’t hurt as much as I was expecting and that I will be reasonably less hairy by next Summer.

Lisa XX