The Lady with the Big Heart

There is a lady I know whose heart is so big that it sometimes causes her pain.

Not due to any enlarged heart, medical type illness, but because she is so sensitive, giving and open to the feelings of others that her heart sometimes goes into overload.

Over the past few years the ladies’ heart had endured many ups and downs.

The lady had found her place in the world. A place where she felt at home, had found a tribe she connected with and a job to do that left her feeling fulfilled. Her heart was full of happiness and a sense of belonging.  She genuinely loved others and they genuinely loved her back.

The heart knew the lady was happy because the sound of her laughter could fill a room and her connection with those around her was authentic. Some people even loved hearing her so much that they called her “The Voice!”

As life often does, it threw the lady a big curve ball. She had some very big decisions to make. The heart knew that the lady was struggling with these decisions because sometimes it hurt. When the lady was alone and thinking about what she needed to do for her family, little ripples of pain went through her.

Isn’t it unfair sometimes that when we make a decision that will give the best outcome to others, we lose something within ourselves?

The lady was amazing and she put on her happiest face and used her most convincing voice when she spoke to other people, but she couldn’t fool her heart.  The heart was feeling the lady shut down bit by bit.

The lady even started ignoring her heart when it started to feel broken and sad. She made big life changes and tried to see the positive in all situations. The more her heart tried to tell her something, the more the lady shut down and stopped listening.

The heart knew that things would get worse before they got better, so she hung in there and kept beating, knowing with all her might, that the lady would listen to her again one day.

The heart sat back and watched as the lady went through some really hard times. The lady had to step away from using her special gifts, because she knew she was not able to give her energy to others when she needed it all for herself.

The lady tried lots of different things to feel that same sense of connectedness that she had once known, but it was not the same.

The lady knew that something was missing but she didn’t know how to fill the void. She gave so much of herself to others. She welcomed little people into her home, but she knew this was not the answer.

As the lady started to listen to her intuition again, the heart started to feel more alive. The ripples of pain started to lessen and the ripples of happiness returned.

The lady tried again to give life to new beings, but this was not meant to be. The heart knew this was such a shame because the lady was a born nurturer. Maybe as she learnt to nurture herself more her life path would reveal itself.

The lady is braver than she will ever know, more loved than she can imagine and a source of strength to others. The impact she has had on others is immense and she will learn not to underestimate this.

The lady is healing at the moment from an operation, and her heart is healing too. They are both taking the time they need to reflect and ponder.

Never under-estimate the power of a good pondering session. Allow your mind to float gently back over the decisions and directions that have bought you to where you are today. Accept that you can not change anything that has happened in the past, forgive yourself for any situation you wish you would’ve handled differently and most importantly, know that you decide how the future looks.

The lady with the big heart is going to emerge healthier, more grounded and with a stronger sense of self than ever before. She will again listen to her heart and they will work together to be all they need to be.

The big hearted lady will learn to keep a bit of her heart for herself and she will not feel guilty about this. Her need to nurture herself will make her a better nurturer of others.

I love this big hearted lady and I would like nothing more than to be able to take her in my arms and squeeze the absolute shit out of her, but unfortunately I can’t at the moment. As life gets in the way, sometimes we don’t communicate as regularly as I would like, and I will make more effort to rectify this situation.

I want the lady and her big heart to know that they are loved, supported and being sent healing vibes from afar.

Lisa XX

 

I became a new mum, but I didn’t have a baby…

Last weekend I became a new mum.

But I didn’t have a baby!

My youngest daughter, and last child still living at home, left to head overseas for 7 months to perform on cruise ships.

I am so proud and so excited for her, but it hit me hard. Harder than I was expecting.

Yep, my nest is now empty, but it was for half the week anyway. It wasn’t like she was home every night and she was always busy, so I’m used to her not being physically here.

But she was always coming home at some point. Or calling to ask something, or calling to check on me and find our where I was (yes the tables do turn!).

What has hit me is that I am a new mum.

I am not the same mum I was this time last week.

I am now a mum who has raised her kids and they have left home.

Now I feel like someone who is a mother, but not a day to day mum.

I am fully aware that raising strong, independent and courageous women was always the end goal, but that doesn’t mean I am ready.

I feel more unsure of myself right now than I did the day I brought by first baby home from hospital.

I remember placing the capsule in the nursery,  looking at Scott and saying “What now?”  This is exactly how I felt on Sunday.

I held it together at the airport but when I got home to my quieter, cleaner and emptier house, I looked at the same man, 22 years later and whispered through my tears,

“What happens now?”

I feel empty. And yet my life is full.

I feel unsure of my identity. And yet, I have a life where I am Lisa, not Mum.

I feel this ache in my soul for every minute I didn’t appreciate or the minutes I thought I would have more of.

I keep wondering if I did enough. Have I sent them off with enough life skills, memories and advice?

It’s not a logical process, it’s a gut wrenching physical one. I have loved being a mum and I have been bloody good at it.

I have put a lot of thought into who and how I would be when the time came for my nest to empty out, but it didn’t prepare me for the actual event.

I won’t come home and see 16 cups, 10 plates and 9 forks on the sink (not in the dishwasher) and many bodies on the lounges.

I won’t hear arguments and singing from the bathroom, which has taken on a golden glow from the fake tan and bronzing powder.

I will no longer be called on to fetch more toilet paper, settle a dispute over clothing ownership or help with life’s big issues, like wedges or stilettos.

My washing basket will no longer be overflowing, my house will stay cleaner and I will not have to fight for the remote as much.

We will also be able to holiday on the Amalfi Coast in Italy each year with the money we are saving on sanitary products.

It’s actually sounding OK……

I did calm down (much to Scott’s relief) after an hour and a half of really ugly crying. Like U.G.L.Y.! I tried to eat an omelette to distract myself and nearly vomited. You get the picture.

Poor Scott, he probably wanted to have a quiet moment, maybe a tear and reflect on how his life would now be different (in reality, he probably just wanted to get back to his football reporting), but he was really supportive.

He walked at a steady pace around me, not making eye contact, like you would walk around a wild animal when you’re not sure if it’s going to strike. He empty bins, cleaned things and did really random chores.

When my crying had calmed to that hiccup breathing, with moderate sniffing, he approached cautiously.

“Why don’t you do some writing, do something for your blog?” Bless, he was trying to offer a distraction, trying to be positive. Did it work? You be the judge……

“I can’t write my fucking blog because I don’t have a fucking computer. That’s right everyone else has one but Paige just left, Morgan doesn’t live here anymore and you use yours all the time. So, yeah, thanks for that!”

Insert more crying here.

The following sentence proves what an amazing man my husband is and how much he has learnt by living with 3 women for many years,

“Let’s go and buy you a computer”.

The poor bastard would’ve bought a new car, moved house and I think I could’ve milked it for a new puppy.

He was desperate. There was a crazy lady in the kitchen and he wasn’t convinced she was leaving any time soon.

Soooooooo, I’m writing this on my new computer. I may have been distraught but I am not stupid!

Life is getting back into routine. I love FaceTime and I can see that my baby is doing well.

I also have my oldest daughter living about 20 mins away, so I will now put a lot of pressure on her to see me more. I will bribe her with brunch and shopping. I will cry if needed.

I say thank you to the beautiful people in my life who saw through my bullshit façade and knew I would be a wreck. Your support, messages and advice have been invaluable.

To the man who helped fill my nest (sounds weird but I’m going with it) and now gets to share it with me while it’s empty, I thank you. You are my rock and I know the group message we have added you into is confusing and foreign, but you persevere. We will even let you use the thumbs up emoji.

I’m getting used to having more free time. In fact,  I’ve got to go now.

I have Pilates, then I’m getting a mani-pedi,

I had to fit it in today because the life drawing class I’ve signed up for was overlapping with the interpretive dance group I’ve joined. I’m just trying to figure out when I can fit in “Drumming and chanting for sexual growth”.

Oh and of course the house is now empty so Scott and I are nude all the time!

Lisa XX

 

Our baby as she left to take on the world. XX