The Triple Threat

The term “Triple Threat” is one that you would normally hear in entertainment circles.

To be a triple threat is to excel at the three main performance areas.

You can sing, dance and act/present!

This is rare and hence why being a triple threat is so impressive.

Well people, I’m here to let you know that today I became a triple threat!

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Just casually being a “Triple Threat”

I can not sing, I can dance drunk and I can act like a clown, but these are not the areas that my skills have been recognised.

Today I learnt that by making a life choice and not really trying, can qualify you as something really special in some industries.

I was told by a complete stranger how incredibly special I was and I didn’t even try.

She didn’t even use the words triple threat, or special, but I could tell from her body and face language.

You know that face where someone is completely overcome with disbelief that they just can’t hide the shock on their face?

That face where their head tilts to the side and they make a kind of scrunched up face. It may look like confusion or pity, but I prefer to think of it as someone being in awe. In awe of what they have just witnessed.

I would just like to clear one thing up as I build the drama here……. today’s event did not include any accidental nudity. If you’ve read previous posts you will know by now that sometimes I don’t fully understand directions and I end up taking off too many clothes. This is more likely to happen at a doctor or laser hair removal clinic, but osteos and physios are not safe either.

By now you are just dying to know where was I when my triple threat talent was discovered!

Back story…………(this information will add context)

About 10 years ago I had laser eye surgery. I wore glasses for distance. I was told at the time that there was the possibility that within 10 -12 years my eye sight may decline and I could need glasses again.

Well doesn’t time fly? It’s been just over 10 years and my eyes were getting a bit irritated and I had a few headaches. I tried some eye drops but they were not working. I had put the changes in vision down to too much screen time and looking at my smaller phone screen more on the train.

Well, no. They were not the reasons. Of course, they can help to make the symptoms worse but they were not causing the issue.

As I sat opposite the optometrist and we discussed my eye sight history, she said;

“I will have a look and see what is happening but unless you’ve had laser eye surgery, are on hormone tablets or are peri-menopausal, then I don’t think there will be an issue.”

Hold up, what?

I have, I am and I am!

I am the laser eyed, hormone controlled, menopausal patient you have been dreaming of!

I am your optometry triple threat.

This is the part where her face was overcome with the shadow of disbelief.

I’m pretty sure she is telling her co-workers about me right now. I am like the urban myth that optometrists will be talking about at their conferences. They will all be wearing novelty glasses, coloured cat-eye contact lenses and chatting about the triple threat.

She even asked for clarification of the hormone tablet I was on just to know I was legit. She didn’t want to make the big announcement in the staffroom and then find out I wasn’t real.

My appointment then continued to find that my right eye is lazy, I bloody knew it, she’s always letting the team down, my left eye is over compensating (now it’s sounding like a bad marriage) and I am lacking moisture in my eyes.

Thanks to those blasted hormones there are a few places on my body that are lacking moisture………

I am now awaiting my 2 pairs for $199 glasses that Alex Perry has so graciously designed for me. I will wear them up on head in thanks.

In case you hadn’t noticed, I am putting a really positive spin on the gradual advancement of the aging process.

I had also had a physio appointment this morning (stayed clothed) and was told that the niggling shoulder pain I’ve been experiencing is most likely due to the gradual rounding of my shoulders. I need to work on my posture and my shoulder placement. I now have to actively concentrate on how my shoulders are positioned. It’s too much.

My body is rounding, hunching, my shoulders are forgetting where to sit, I’m lacking moisture (it hits multiple areas, you’ve been warned), grey hairs are here to stay as they are immune to the powerful laser beam and my hormones are unstable.  Aren’t I a treat?

No! I’m a triple threat and don’t you forget it.

triple threat picture
Off out to lunch with the girls

But I figure, fuck it. I will take my hunching hormonal self to Pilates, I will laugh with my friends, I will dance when and where I feel like it, I will enjoy special moments with family and I will purchase every synthetic lubricant known to woman.

Live your best life.

Lisa XX

 

 

Liza – http://doloresdelargotowers.blogspot.com/2014/03/with-z.html

Old lady -http://bandaidsblog.blogspot.com/2009_11_22_archive.html

 

 

 

 

Embracing the whiteboard – life lessons of an experienced football wife.

I believe that all experiences in life are to teach us something or they are preparing us for something great. Maybe it’s our life’s purpose or helping us find our true passion. Whatever the reason I have decided to act on it.

I have made the decision to use my vast knowledge of football to help other women. I have written a four step program (4 quarters) called “Embracing the whiteboard”, to help women, like my past self,  who may be struggling with the all-consuming game.

A bit of background for those who are not familiar with my story-

I started studying the art of football about 26 years ago.  I studied closely and followed the game religiously, I may also have been following a certain young man but that’s beside the point. What I was to come to realise was that being a footballer wasn’t just the weekend hobby I thought it was.

It was all consuming. The training, the game day routine, the superstitions and like a part of society I had never experienced before, a sub culture, it had it’s own language.

Through my program, “Embracing the whiteboard”, I will show you how to incorporate the terms and strategies used by coaches and players, to transform your home life and have your family playing like a premiership team in no time.

I understand the power of language and trust me the language of football is a powerful one. I have spent years researching and living it, so, I know. These words can get a sane man to run out onto a field in the middle of winter, to chase a ball and get it through some sticks, while wearing shorts and a tank top, and being pummelled by other men.

Powerful stuff.

Now you too can harness the power of this language and make it work for you. This program is like de-coding an ancient language and finally understanding the meaning of life.

You will also learn how to use your voice as a powerful tool. By just dropping an octave or two you can illicit a response from your team that you never thought possible.

During the program “Embracing the Whiteboard”, we will look at –

  • Incorporating the whiteboard into daily life
  • Assigning the chores and actually have them get done
  • Making family time a priority
  • Letting your children compete for your love and receive votes
  • Marketing and branding your “Team” for buy in

And my personal favourite –

  • How to incorporate “footy speak” into the bedroom (absolute game changer)

This program will change your life, and if it doesn’t it will give you a laugh and you will have some new words in your vocabulary.

Each session will be accompanied by a short instructional video that will put all we have learnt into practice and give you a format from which to learn the language.

There is no time like the present, you are here now, so let’s get started.

Part 1- Incorporating the whiteboard into daily life 

The whiteboard is an integral part of this program. If you don’t already have one at home you will be making a purchase soon.  If you’ve ever seen a football coach heading out onto the field to address his players he is most likely carrying a whiteboard.  It is covered with lots of little magnets, they have the players names on them.

It’s very important, as the players look to the whiteboard for guidance. They look to the whiteboard to know what is expected of them, where they should be and what they should be doing.

About 8 years ago I developed the whiteboard system at home. I’m here today to share my tips to make the whiteboard the source of truth in your home. You will need –

A white large whiteboard, whiteboard markers and a ruler.

You will rule the whiteboard up giving each family member a column, a column for dates and a column for notes.

Now for the most important part, the language of the whiteboard. You need to know the terms but you also need to understand their meaning and how to use them correctly. Below is a list of terms that you will be using and their meaning-

  • Positions – this tells all team members where they need to be and when. Knowing your position and that of your team mates allows you to offer support and be supported.

At home this look like – Morgan – deb practice – Wednesday night 7pm. The team can then organise who will need to be there to support Morgan by getting her to practice.

  • 1%’s (one percenters) – the small tasks that may not get a lot of recognition but need to be done for the team to win.

At home the 1%’s might be cleaning, putting the bins out or feeding the dog. No glory attached to them but they are essential.

  • Weekly Focus- having a weekly focus lets the team know what takes priority that week. It helps the team prioritise and lets them know why other things may have to be overlooked to meet the focus.

At home it helps have a conversation, “Sorry Paige but you can’t go to that party this Saturday, look at our focus for the week. It’s Morgan’s Deb. The team’s focus takes priority so try again next week.” 

  • K.P.I.’s (Key Performance Indicators) – these are the measures that let the team know what they are working towards in their game plan. These are usually measured quarter by quarter in a game. It shows teams where they may need to apply more pressure or applied focus. eg -tackle count – shows how much pressure they have applied to the opposition.

At home I prefer to measure the KPI’s weekly. I often set them around cleaning chores. One of my favourite KPI’s is toilet cleanliness. If I see a skid mark in any toilet then I know we are not applying enough pressure to the toilet with a brush or toilet cleaner, and it’s an area for improvement.

Please watch this short instructional video to see the Whiteboard Address in action.

**Don’t forget to practice and join us in 2 weeks to learn how to use this empowering language to get your children to compete for your affection, by introducing a votes system. Revolutionary!**

 

 

 

Mirror, Mirror on the wall…..

I’ve recently starting doing Pilates.

It’s in a cute little boutique studio with a lovely vibe and really encouraging instructors.

My relaxation and switching off from the world starts as soon as I walk in the door. I love the smell, the lighting and the whole vibe the place puts out. The green colour scheme is so calming and god know we all need a bit of calm in our busy lives.

I have splurged and invested in a new sports bra. One that doesn’t feel like I’m wearing a 1920’s corset. I’ve done a bit of running in the past and these boobs of mine needed to be strapped down!  It’s also a bit different getting used to wearing no shoes. I love having bare feet so I think we will get along well.

The class starts with stretching and get this, while laying down.

Any activity that allows me to lay down, encourages deep breathing and helps me stretch away the day is for me.

After 4 or 5 sessions I felt less sore and more strong. I’m not in the class to get skinny, although if it happens by accident I will be ok with it, I am in the class to feel strong. I need to build some muscle to stop my bingo wings and bum both reaching much lower levels on my body than they should.

I’m learning to find my spine’s neutral position, how to isolate my upper and lower abs. This requires me actually finding my abs. Luckily for me you don’t need to be able to see the abs to isolate them.

So as you can probably tell I’m really enjoying Pilates and feel stronger for it.

Here is my one issue.

Mirrors.

The whole wall of the studio is covered in mirrors. As someone who avoids mirrors unless absolutely necessary, it’s like torture for me.

I have this thing in my head where I can see myself doing the moves and I look bloody good. I’m graceful, fluid and elegant.

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This is how I look in my head!

The mirrors ruin this picture for me and I become sweaty, clunky and a bit uncoordinated.

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Reality….

I have the same issue with mirrors in nightclubs or anywhere I like to dance. Again my mind’s picture is much more flattering to me than that mirrored reality and quite frankly I like my delusional head space.

So I will keep going to Pilates despite the mirrors and I will need to muster a new level of self acceptance –

  • My boobs get in the way of some of the arm exercises
  • I have some back fat
  • My stomach is flat when I lie down or stand up really straight and no where in between
  • My legs are skinny and I sometimes look like a lolly pop

The positives, (there are always positives)-

  • I’m still smiling at the end of class
  • I haven’t fallen down the stairs when my legs are shaking after class
  • I’ve met some lovely people
  • My daughter is doing this with me (I’m also competing with her in my head and I sometimes do heavier springs just to have a little victory)

See you when I have Michelle Obama arms!

Lisa X

 

 

 

 

Walking and weeing

I am walking 100kms in a couple of weeks to raise money for Oxfam and to also challenge myself. This is the fourth time I have walked the 100km event and I am looking forward to it being the last.

I could bore you for hours about the perils of blisters, leaches, dehydration or chafing, but I’m not going to.

Instead we are going to talk about a topic that many people don’t think of when walking for long hours, through dense bushland, with little access to civilisation and all we take for granted.

So you’re walking for over 30 hours, drinking heaps of fluid to stay hydrated and if you’re doing it right, then at some stage that fluid needs to leave your body.

If you are a man you can quite conveniently walk away from the group (please do walk away, far enough away to eliminate sound or vision) and have a wiz. Easy as anything. Undo a zipper and away you go.

Well for us women it’s not quite that simple.

Weeing in the bush requires the leg strength of an olympic gymnast, or the flexibility of a toddler.

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It’s complicated

If you can’t squat, and I mean squat low, then you can expect a warm, slightly odorous trickle down your leg.

If you squat too low and you are busting then that power pee is going to saturate the shoes you need to wear for the next 12 hours.

Well ladies I have the solution for you.

Can I just quickly point out that a  few years ago while camping, I may have consumed far too many wines (that’s 3) and demonstrated (not literally, more of a simulation) using a funnel as a tool to enable women to pee standing up.  I was laughed at and ridiculed by the group. Well don’t they look silly now?

May I present, the Shewee-

shewee-power.png
the Shewee

This funnel (see my earlier idea) like contraption has now given women the option to pee standing up any where they like. I do hope that most women save it for times of necessity and don’t just start using it will nilly.

I don’t want to see any women taking their shewee to parties just to be able to pee on the lemon tree out the back.

I don’t want to go into the toilets in a nightclub and see a shewee appear out of a purse and  enable someone to use the basin just to avoid a cue.

Let’s keep it in the bush ladies. You know what I mean.

Here’s how it works-howtoshewee.jpg

Please note that in this picture I think the cartoon lady is still wearing her underpants. It would probably be a good idea to not wee though your underwear. It would render the shewee pointless really.

I have heard people using the shewee in boats, to go over the side and in in caravans to pee into a bucket at night. I personally like the caravan option after being traumatised as a 10 year old, when I fell into the pee bucket while camping. Let’s just say I wasn’t the first one to have used it that night.

So there you have it. Whether you wanted to know or not, you are now aware that there is a shewee and that women have peeing options.

Lisa X

Time poor, experience rich.

This morning as I lay in bed going through the day in my mind, my thoughts wandered ahead to the coming few days.

My stomach was instantly filled with a piece of lead and my breathing became more shallow. I could feel myself become just a little anxious.

I have a busy weekend ahead. I know that, for goodness sake, I booked everything in.

I made a conscious choice to book myself out from 8am Saturday morning until about 4pm on Sunday. I will of course sleep on Saturday night, however briefly that may be.

But when I think about all I need to accomplish in two short days (the days of rest!!) I freak out ever so slightly.

I’m not doing anything bad, or seeing people I don’t want to give my time to, and yet I seem to be talking myself out of enjoying the things I do have planned.

My worry about fitting it all in, is actually zapping my ability to look forward to the experiences I have planned.

Tomorrow I am holding a fundraising BBQ at a local shopping centre to raise funds for Oxfam. I am taking part in the Oxfam 100km challenge in April and my team needs to raise $1500.

I love meeting people, I have generous friends and family who have offered their time to help out and the weather looks like it will behave for the day.

There is nothing about this day that looks like it will be something to dread and yet that is how I was feeling. I do need to be there at 8am and stay until about 4pm, so all day, but it’s one day!

One day out of my life, getting to hang out with my friends, meet new people and raise some money for a good cause. I choose, as of right now, to change my outlook and look forward to tomorrow.

No longer will I focus on a day gone out of my weekend, I will focus on the experiences and interactions I will gain by interacting with the community.

Saturday night catching up with friends (once I have washed the stench of sausage from my skin!) Friends I adore and love spending time with.

Want to know what we are doing?

We are planning our accommodation for our trip to Hawaii later in the year. Poor me. Having to plan for a trip to paradise.

Again, I had let the focus stay on more hours of my time being full,instead of focussing on what was filling the hours.

I know, from past experience, that I will arrive home with a face sore from laughing, a belly full of great food (maybe a wine or 4) and some amazing locations ready to be visited.

What a great night. My own thought process was putting this night at risk. I had nearly talked myself out of enjoying the experience. I pledge from this moment forward to change my outlook. I will cherish the time with good friends, planning a trip we have been talking about for 12 months. I will acknowledge how lucky I am to have these opportunities.

Insert brief sleep and coffee here.

Sunday morning 7am. Drive at chosen destination, ready to walk 30-35kms for Oxfam training. This will take approx. 7 hours.

I signed up for this event (this is the fourth time), there are no surprises here. It’s long hours of training. Training on hills, on flats and in ridiculous heat.

I have made a conscious decision as of right now to focus on why I love this event instead of dreading the training onSunday.

I love the physical strength I gain from the training. I love laughing with three amazing ladies as we walk through the pain barrier.

We cover all topics from penises to politics (would’ve been great team name) and we support eachother through any life issues we may be having at the time.

I’m proud of showing my girls the example of setting a goal and working hard to achieve it.

I’m now ready to face my busy, but rewarding weekend, full of things I have planned and filled with people I love.

I tackle this weekend with an attirude of gratitude and  be thankful for everyone and everything I ahve in my life.

I will plan some down time for next weekend and a few early nights this coming week.

 

Enjoy all you have planned for the coming weekend.

Lisa X

 

The value of not being busy.

I was lucky enough last week to travel overseas with my husband while he worked.

My daily routine played out like that of a biggest loser contestant.

I woke, ate breakfast, worked out, showered, rested, ate, swam, had a nap then let the afternoon stretch out to dinner.

Of course the contestants on the show probably don’t pepper their day with G&T’s or restaurant food, but you get the idea.

My routine was deliciously devoid of responsibility, thinking about others and being haunted from day break by that question……”What’s for dinner?”

I don’t know about you but that question has me close to losing mind every time it’s asked. How the hell do I know? It’s 7am, eat your frigging toast and be quiet. OK…. and breathe.

I must admit that it took me the first 2 days to lose the guilt.

The guilt of the busy.

The guilt of not filling every moment of the day doing things predominately for other people.

The guilt of associating relaxing and re-energising with being lazy.

Reminding myself that it was ok to sit and breath. Letting the thoughts just pass on by and not having to focus on one in particular.

To blink and realise that you just spent 10 minutes staring at a flower and you have no recollection of the time or thoughts that passed through your mind.

Have you ever had to ask yourself the question, “What do I like to do?”

It was equal parts liberating and terrifying. I caught myself narrating my actions and  judging myself on the usefulness and productivity level of what I was choosing to do.

The key to me relaxing I have discovered is to shut sown the negative mental voice. That voice that judges, makes you doubt and tells you that what you’re doing isn’t good enough.

Take that voice and tell it to shut the f*&k up!

Once that voice was drowned out with positive affirmations, mediation chants and gratitude my holiday improved dramatically.

By positive affirmations I mean-

“Yes Lisa have that beer while you sit near the pool. It’s really hot and you will sweat it out anyway.”

“You deserve another massage”.

“You will never see these people again so don’t worry about the strays on your bikini line.”

My mediation chant ran along the lines of-

“I am a calm and spiritual being. I am relaxed and content.”

This chant was closely followed by,

“A mango daiquiri is 80% fruit, fruit is good for you, you are healthy.”

Gratitude became easier as I sat near the pool, sipping my beverage of choice-

“I am grateful that those noisy kids are not mine.”

“I am grateful for the time I have alone to order my thoughts, breath deeply and reflect.”

“I am grateful for the secret lining in my bathers that keeps all my lady business in position and looking sleek.”

By about 3pm in the afternoon a gorgeous man would join me at the pool and buy me a drink. He was lovely. We would talk, laugh and share details of our day. He asked me every night to have dinner with him. I accepted of course.

How lucky was I? Time to ponder life, a daily workout and the attention of a gorgeous man. Life is good.

 

I am back at work now, back to reality but my holiday has done me wonders. I am more aware of where I am spending my energy. Choices will be made that won’t make everyone happy but they will be right for me.

The negative internal dialogue is still being shut down and over ridden with kind, positive and encouraging thoughts.

The one thing that still manages to make me flip my shit is the dinner question at breakfast! But I’m working on it.

Lisa X

Not a New Year’s Resolution, but an attitude change.

I have decided this is to be the year when I do all the things that scare the absolute crap out of me. These things may not be what you would expect.

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I will not be jumping off a cliff.

If you met me you might think I was fairly confident, outgoing and willing to give anything a go. You would be correct to a certain degree. But there is stuff going on below the surface.

I will sing karaoke, dance interpretively and tell you embarrassing stories about myself.

I will push myself physically, training for and entering events just to know I can do it. That feeling when you cross the finish line, knowing you pushed yourself past your breaking point is addicitive.

I will overshare and use the word vulva (or labia, nipple, bowle movemenet etc.) in as many sentences as possible, but it’s the things I don’t say that you should listen to the most.

I won’t say that I am terrified of not being enough. Enough Mum, wife, friend, daughter, sister. Present enough, involved enough and there enough. Have I made enough memories with my girls? If something was to happen to me, do the people I love know I loved them? When is it enough?

I won’t tell you that I feel guilty when I know I need to take a break from being all those things, to take time for me, to continue to develop into the truest version of myself. If I was to go away for 5 days on a relaxation/meditation trip, I would spend the first 2 days reconciling the trip in my own head before I could relax. Why do I have the constant need to justify time on my own?

I won’t ask for help when I should at times. This based on fear and not wanting you to know that I am not coping.  I have ironed at midnight, baked a cake at 5 in the morning and used more make-up than a professional drag queen to keep the image of “I’m all good” alive and well.

So my goals for 2016 are not all based around diet, exercise and work/life balance, although the pursuit for rock hard abs and buns of steel will continue.

My goals will be based around self-reflection and learning to show others that it’s ok for me to be vunerable.

I, like many of you have had this thought that being vunerable is akin to admitting weakness. This is so wrong.

To be vunerable is to allow others to see that sometimes we are not as strong as we would like to be and we need some help. To allow others to see below the surface and to truly see who we are when the facade is gone, takes bravery.

I will practice asking for help from others.

I will be more open about how things make me feel. Not hiding behind a smile and the ever present “I’m Fine”.

I won’t be a martyr, doing/ attending/ agreeing with things that I really don’t want to, out of a sense of obligation.

Just so we are clear, for the year ahead, I will continue to dance and sing, not filter what comes out of my mouth (most of the time), but I will allow myself to be vunerable, drop the mask and ask for help when I need it. I will be kind to myself and have guilt free time out.

Sounds perfect………..images-1