Summer is on the way people.
It’s happening, the countdown is on, there is no more avoiding it;
YOU ARE GOING TO BE WEARING BATHERS SOON!
Worse than that, or better, I am heading to Hawaii at the end of the week and need to expose myself.
If like me you are completely freaked out at the thought of uncovering more flesh than a maxi skirt, skivvy combo reveals, then reading on is not going to make you feel much better. But keep reading.
As I sit here writing I am contemplating applying for some long service leave. It is going to take pretty much my full time, undivided attention to get my body ready for Summer.
I have been doing well over Winter with my exercise routine, I know I feel much stronger and a few kilos/inches have moved on. A mixture of Pilates and getting sweaty with Sam* have done their job.
*you may also know this as 28 by Sam Wood. I like to call say “I did Sam this morning” just to see who really listens to me at home. The answer is no-one.
Since I have sorted the exercise component what could possibly be bothering me I hear you ask.
Well, I’m going to throw this at you and I want you to google it.
Yep, you read it correctly.
Last Summer was apparently all about the side boob. You know that side view of the breast, visible with some tops with big arm holes. I’m sure they have technical names but you get the picture.
My girls could wear this big arm hole singlets and the side boob looks perky and a little bit sexy. My side boob happens when I lay down and the boob falls of the side of my chest and lands under my arm.
Same, same but different.
It is apparently also a great way to show off any side boob tattoos that you might have. Celebrities were also loving the side boob in evening gowns.
Can you do side boob and cleavage? Or is that just being pretty much topless?
Sorry, got sidetracked, back to side vag.
If anyone remembers the Olivia Newton-John, let’s get physical film clip (a personal favorite, god I loved O.N.J.) you would remember the outfits that were worn for aerobics. Those rally high cut leotards with the shiny lycra tights on underneath in a multitude of neon and pastel colors. Awesome right?
Well, brace yourselves, you know those leotards? They are now bathers and they’re skimpier than anything we thought was high cut in the 80’s and they are not wearing the tights underneath.
Oh no, because that would cover the side vag.
It’s that section of skin between the crease in the groin and where the bathers start.
So basically if you imagine a really skinny piece of material that covers the “business” and then makes its way straight up towards your belly button but then flares out at the last minute to head over your hips.
My poor husband will be having kittens when this trend hits our family camping holiday!
What happened to the bloody boy leg short?
The low cut, hipster, bikini, with a ruffle to cover any mishaps?
My question to the people who make the fashion rules is-
Is it ok for your side vag to have a fringe or a comb over?
Because even with my long service leave used up, a personal laser machine pointed at me while I sleep and a daily bath in hair removal cream, I fear I may still never be ready to reveal my side vag to the world.
The trends that are being invented by the young and hairless are discriminatory to those of us that have the pubic hair situation of an 80-year-old European man!
It is going to be ok.
I have the CFA out supervising the back burn, but now I need to start thinking about tanning.
I’m exhausted before my holiday even begins.
Get to work, Summer is coming for you.