I have decided this is to be the year when I do all the things that scare the absolute crap out of me. These things may not be what you would expect.
If you met me you might think I was fairly confident, outgoing and willing to give anything a go. You would be correct to a certain degree. But there is stuff going on below the surface.
I will sing karaoke, dance interpretively and tell you embarrassing stories about myself.
I will push myself physically, training for and entering events just to know I can do it. That feeling when you cross the finish line, knowing you pushed yourself past your breaking point is addicitive.
I will overshare and use the word vulva (or labia, nipple, bowle movemenet etc.) in as many sentences as possible, but it’s the things I don’t say that you should listen to the most.
I won’t say that I am terrified of not being enough. Enough Mum, wife, friend, daughter, sister. Present enough, involved enough and there enough. Have I made enough memories with my girls? If something was to happen to me, do the people I love know I loved them? When is it enough?
I won’t tell you that I feel guilty when I know I need to take a break from being all those things, to take time for me, to continue to develop into the truest version of myself. If I was to go away for 5 days on a relaxation/meditation trip, I would spend the first 2 days reconciling the trip in my own head before I could relax. Why do I have the constant need to justify time on my own?
I won’t ask for help when I should at times. This based on fear and not wanting you to know that I am not coping. I have ironed at midnight, baked a cake at 5 in the morning and used more make-up than a professional drag queen to keep the image of “I’m all good” alive and well.
So my goals for 2016 are not all based around diet, exercise and work/life balance, although the pursuit for rock hard abs and buns of steel will continue.
My goals will be based around self-reflection and learning to show others that it’s ok for me to be vunerable.
I, like many of you have had this thought that being vunerable is akin to admitting weakness. This is so wrong.
To be vunerable is to allow others to see that sometimes we are not as strong as we would like to be and we need some help. To allow others to see below the surface and to truly see who we are when the facade is gone, takes bravery.
I will practice asking for help from others.
I will be more open about how things make me feel. Not hiding behind a smile and the ever present “I’m Fine”.
I won’t be a martyr, doing/ attending/ agreeing with things that I really don’t want to, out of a sense of obligation.
Just so we are clear, for the year ahead, I will continue to dance and sing, not filter what comes out of my mouth (most of the time), but I will allow myself to be vunerable, drop the mask and ask for help when I need it. I will be kind to myself and have guilt free time out.