Running out of time.
Time will tell.
The time is now.
What seems to be taking up a lot of my thoughts at the moment is “me time”.
It is a commodity that I spent years convinced I didn’t have enough of.
If only I had more time I’d be more organised, more accomplished in many things and much more relaxed.
I’ve very quickly transitioned from being time poor to having an abundance of time as my girls have grown and become more self sufficient and guess what?
I now waste time.
It sounds ridiculous but I think it’s a good thing. By taking the time to just sit and ponder, I am giving myself the chance to find out what truly fills me with joy.
As I reflect, I realise, I was already doing the things that were on my to do list. I ran, I walked, I meditated and I danced with friends. I had managed to fit these things in to my busy life but it felt like I was constantly trading moments to make it work.
On a Monday I would check the diary, realise I had booked a training walk on Saturday, then the trading of time would start.
I would clean the toilets on Monday night (20 mins), bathrooms Tuesday (45 mins), floors Wednesday night (60 mins), cook 2 meals, 1 for freezer on Thursday (60 mins) and then came Friday.
By Friday I would be so overwhelmed by this self imposed time bank I had running in my head that I would throw a hissy fit at the entire household because they were not doing anything to help me.
A sea of blank (slightly bewildered) faces would stare back at me, completely unaware of the pressure I was putting on myself to get everything done and buy myself some time. They just put it down to mum losing the plot…..again!
Hindsight is a wonderful tool and I use it often.
I know looking back that if I had’ve sat the family down on the Monday, let them know I had a walk coming up on the Saturday and I needed their help, they would’ve pitched in. Maybe a little begrudgingly and not to my standard but it would’ve been done.
I am proud to say I have become much better at this over the last few years.
As I sit here today with an abundance of time I’m learning again how I like to spend my share.
Time that isn’t marked out in the diary, scheduled weeks ahead and to meet an obligation. Instead it’s time that flows at a varied pace depending on the task I choose to fill it with. Reconciling the bank account makes time move so much slower than lunch with the girls.
I walk for longer with the dog, sit in the sun to read without guilt, book spontaneous outings with friends and try new things. I’ve re-familiarised myself with the art of afternoon napping and how to choose a movie I like.
I also find myself just sitting. I tune out and when I refocus 10 minutes has passed. Before I would’ve worried I had had an absent seizure if I lost 10 minutes, now I just accept my mind needed a break.
I’m off now to make a cup of tea and have a read, which really means the tea will go cold and I will be napping after 2 pages. I will make sure the dog is near by to be blamed for any snoring.